Been thinking a lot lately...
I've been thinking about my daughter... almost 5 years ago my only child passed away... It seems so much longer. She was only 13 years old. After months of in and out of hospitals, clinics, and counseling offices for anorexia her heart just quit. I am still devastated, heartbroken, mad...you name it I've felt it. I blame myself mostly. My husband and I had very busy schedules and were out of town on business much of the time. Sometimes we didn’t see her for weeks at a time. I did take off work for months to make sure she got the best care and treatment. But still... Her death could have been prevented. I remember the day she left like it was yesterday. I left for work early that morning and everything seemed to be going great. My daughter was showing wonderful improvement with counseling and treatment and I though it would be okay to go back to work. I still wanted to watch over her so I only worked part time. She was even gaining weight and everyone thought she was on the road to recovery. I was half way to work when my nephew who was staying with us for awhile, called. He told me to come home right away and wouldn’t tell me anything else. The first thing that came to my head was my daughter. She was doing so well I couldn’t imagine what could be wrong. I thought she fainted or had a seizure like she's had in the past. But it was worse then that. When I got back to the house an ambulance was there, I rushed into the house and to her bedroom. First thing I saw was my daughter lying on her bed with my nephew standing by. A paramedic told me they tried everything they could do but she was gone. Most likely she was in a coma like state and went into cardiac arrest during the night. She left peacefully in her sleep. I couldn’t understand it. She was fine the night before, besides being a little weak and tired but she was improving. It seemed like she was eating exactly like she was suppose to but we later found out that she was secretly making herself throw up after meals. Or maybe skipped meals when she thought no one would notice. Even though she was improving slowly her heart just couldn’t take anymore. Her death is my fault... If I stayed with her to make sure she was eating right instead of going back to work she would still be here. I should have been stricter and watched her every move. I think of all the things I’ve missed teaching her to drive, first date, her prom, graduating high school, applying for college. I can’t help but wonder what she would be like now. She would be starting college this year. I still feel guilty for her death and don’t see how I made it this far without her. I never really got it through my mind that she’s gone. I know I must get rid of this guilt, its tearing me apart.
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:hug to you. I'm so sorry for the tragic loss of your daughter.
I think it is important for you to find a way to get thru the guilt and realize that it was not your fault. You did the very best for your daughter that you could. All indications were that she was improving when she died. And your daughter was her own person, guided not only or primarily by you, but also by her own self, her friends, and the culture in which we live.
Mamas are soooo good at guilt and self blame. And it's so not fair to ourselves, and not good for our souls.
What would your daughter tell you she wants for you? To feel guilty forever, or to find some peace?
Take good care of yourself mama.
PS - You may want to ask the mods to move this to the Grief and Loss forum. You might find more support there - folks who've been there.
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Moving this to Grief and Loss
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:candle
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:hug i am so sorry for your loss. your post really moved me...i know it probably doesn't mean much coming from a stranger, but this wasn't your fault.
And your daughter was her own person, guided not only or primarily by you, but also by her own self, her friends, and the culture in which we live. just thought this was worth repeating.
:hug
i don't know if this is out of line to suggest this, but have you considered maybe talking to kids in middle schools or high schools about your daughter and her eating disorder? it might be healing to talk about it, and at the same time you would be taking a tragic situation and maybe helping someone else with her story.
i'm thinking of you and your daughter.
:candle
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I'm so sorry Martzfam27. What a tragic loss. I can't imagine loosing your only child.
My 19 year old son died 18 months and that was agony, but I still had 4 younger children to fill my time.
I use to think the pain would lessen after the first year or so, but it hasn't. Its as raw as ever, I've just learned to cope with the rollar coster emotions and adjusted to feeling sad all the time.
My thoughts and prayers are with you as you continue to heal:candle
^_^:
:candle ... for You & Patricia... :candle
More Topical:
^_^:
:hug to you. I'm so sorry for the tragic loss of your daughter.
I think it is important for you to find a way to get thru the guilt and realize that it was not your fault. You did the very best for your daughter that you could. All indications were that she was improving when she died. And your daughter was her own person, guided not only or primarily by you, but also by her own self, her friends, and the culture in which we live.
Mamas are soooo good at guilt and self blame. And it's so not fair to ourselves, and not good for our souls.
What would your daughter tell you she wants for you? To feel guilty forever, or to find some peace?
Take good care of yourself mama.
PS - You may want to ask the mods to move this to the Grief and Loss forum. You might find more support there - folks who've been there.
^_^:
Moving this to Grief and Loss
^_^:
:candle
^_^:
:hug i am so sorry for your loss. your post really moved me...i know it probably doesn't mean much coming from a stranger, but this wasn't your fault.
And your daughter was her own person, guided not only or primarily by you, but also by her own self, her friends, and the culture in which we live. just thought this was worth repeating.
:hug
i don't know if this is out of line to suggest this, but have you considered maybe talking to kids in middle schools or high schools about your daughter and her eating disorder? it might be healing to talk about it, and at the same time you would be taking a tragic situation and maybe helping someone else with her story.
i'm thinking of you and your daughter.
:candle
^_^:
I'm so sorry Martzfam27. What a tragic loss. I can't imagine loosing your only child.
My 19 year old son died 18 months and that was agony, but I still had 4 younger children to fill my time.
I use to think the pain would lessen after the first year or so, but it hasn't. Its as raw as ever, I've just learned to cope with the rollar coster emotions and adjusted to feeling sad all the time.
My thoughts and prayers are with you as you continue to heal:candle
^_^:
:candle ... for You & Patricia... :candle
More Topical: