non-church goers, but not athiest
I wasn't sure where to put this thread but i wanted to get some other ideas on how to approach things such as religious holidays and when questions about god are asked.
i was raised mormon, my dh catholic. neither one of us claim a religion as adults and do not go to church. we are both in agreeance that there is a higher power but we do not believe we have to attend church to find it.
i enjoy celebrating holidays, even christmas and easter. but i look at them a little different than most "Christians"
the story of jesus' birth is a nice one just not sure i want to tell it as truth. same as the resurrection.
i look more at these holidays as a season for giving (christmas) and a season of new beginnings, new life (easter)
i think we are going to explain santa as the spirit of christmas and giving and tell the story of saint nicholas.
as for the easter bunny? not sure yet.
our ds is only 17 mo so we have some time to "get our story straight"
i was looking for some advice from mamas who are in the same boat, what do you do for family traditions. there was another thread similar to this just recently, but i am more worried about explaining the religious side of the whole thing when i am not sure what i believe.
holidays aside. what do you do to explain god. i don;t have a huge problem with bible stories only because i look at them as just that. a nice story that teaches a lesson. but i am already having to nip things in the bud when it comes to gifts from grandparents. i don't want him to become confused.
i guess i am just hoping for faith in something to be restored before we really have to deal with the issue. i need to have a strong sense of ownership to a belief before i try explaining it to my ds.
i am just so freaked out over the idea that people think children have to go to church. look where it got me. i feel that that religion was forced on me and now i am resentful. listen to me, my kid is not even 2 years old and i am worried about shiving religion down his throat!
anyway, if you have ever read my other posts you know that i tend to ramble! i apologize!
i'd like to hear some thoughts and opinions on the subject.
^_^:
Well, we're in a slightly different boat, because our extended families still practice religion to some extent. We usually visit my mom at Christmas and Easter, and go to church with her then. My DH's family does a Seder at Passover and that's more or less the extent of it; we have a menorah at Hanukkah in our own home, but we don't do a lot of gifts.
My DD is 3 and really hasn't asked many questions yet. I have no trouble with the idea of explaining to her that God is the being who created the earth and us, and that people have lots of different ideas about what God is like, and that it's impossible to know for sure because we can't see or hear God. We plan to teach her to respect others' beliefs and practices, and if asked what her religion is, to have her tell people she comes from an interfaith home.
People worry a lot that kids will be questioned about their religion and will be "lost" if they don't have many answers. But I don't think that's necessarily true, unless the kids they spend a lot of time with are used to an environment where religion is discussed a great deal of the time.
For me, the key is probably to try to avoid speaking about organized religion in a hostile way, even if that's the way I sometimes feel. I'd like my DD to form her own opinions about that, and I certainly don't want to communicate those feelings to her until she's old enough to think carefully about religion. I also don't have a problem with the idea of my mom taking DD to church, or a friend's family doing so, IF they clearly understand that we are responsible for our childrens' religious education. If your parents and ILs aren't on board with what you feel, then I think you need to talk carefully with them about what you want to communicate to your ds about religion.
Good luck. I think the key is to decide what (simple) explanations you want to give your child. What he learns at home will be his primary influence, at least while he's very young.
^_^:
We dont do church.
DP's parents are born again christians...too much for me to handle, we are not allowed to sleep in their house when we visit becuase we are not married, which makes me not ever want to go.
My mom raised me catholic, which seemed rediculious to me because she was never married.
We do celebrate Christmas and Easter althgou not as religious hloidays, just as holidays.
^_^:
i was raised mormon, my dh catholic. neither one of us claim a religion as adults and do not go to church. we are both in agreeance that there is a higher power but we do not believe we have to attend church to find it. I could be you ! I was also raised mormon and have a DH who was raised catholic. Both of us have families who are involved in their respective churches but neither of us attend.
I haven't given much thought to the religious holiday issue. I don't have a problem with them and DS is young enough that it hasn't come up. So, I guess I'm just avoiding the issue. My big issue with my family was them (and me) coming to terms with the fact that I don't attend church and neither does DS - even when we're visiting. That was a big step for me in terms of independence.
A bigger issue for me is when other people feel that it's appropriate to bring up religion with us or DS. We had a babysitter who started reading the Bible and talking about Jesus to DS. He was under 2 at the time so it probably wasn't a big deal for him - but I was thoroughly offended. Needless to say, she doesn't babysit any more.
^_^:
I was raised Lutheran and my parents and grandparents are very religious. DH's mom was a religious fanatic and God "told her" to beat DH daily, so he is Atheist. We don't attend church but I will sometimes go to my parents church on holidays with my family, Dh will not.
I plan to tell dd the basics of religion and she can go to church or Sunday School with my parents if she is interested. I'm sure my parents will tell her bible stories, especially about the holidays. I will tell her there are many religions and people believe different things. As for why we don't attend church, I will probably just tell her some people enjoy going to church and it is where they give thanks for their blessings, etc. But we don't choose to go because we can do those things from home, or in nature. Hopefully that will be enough explanation until she is a teenager, then we can have open discussions about what we believe and about different religions. If she becomes interested in any religion, unless it's a cult or something, I would support her in that. And if she decides she is atheist that is fine too, I will not force anything on her. But I think it is important for her to have a general knowledge of all religions so she can make an informed decision.
^_^:
it's nice to see that there are other parents out there with the same situation.
as for us, church with grandparents will not be an option only because one is a catholic fanatic who is continuously "praying for us" and the other is passive aggressive when it comes to her feelings as to why i am not mormon anymore!.
i have no problem, though, when my ds gets older, if he wants to go to church. we can go. but i will teach him that there are many types of religions, one not necessarily being better than the other. it's just where you feel comfortable. or in nature, which is where i find it easiest to get in tune with my own spirituality.
i am sure my answers will be the same as most of you if the question does arise.
^_^:
I'm in a slightly different boat in that we are an athiest family, to be specific we are practicing secular humanists. I was raised Catholic (but we only went to church on Christmas and Easter) and my husband really had no formal religoius upbringing but his family is Christian.
My mom and I have been arguing about her taking my son to church for the last year. She hates, hates, hates that we do not believe in a higher power and has told me that my not teaching my son about God is equivilent to my not showing him love. Now I must add that it is only in the past few years that my mother had rediscovered her Catholicism, I was not raised in a religious home by any means.
I have told my mom numerous times that firstly, we have a right to raise our son under whatever philosophy we see fit. Just as she was given that right with her children. Secondly, we want an opportunity to teach our children about the humanist philosophy without a lot of confusing messages being sent out by my mom. And lastly, I have no problem with her taking my children to church when they are older. My son is 2. I do not feel that a church is any place for a rambuctious toddler. Why would anyone want to take a 2 year old to a place where they HAVE to be quiet and still? It's just setting my son up for failure.
When my children do go to church, IF they want to go, they will be old enough to undersatnd where they are going and what they are hearing. And most importantly, be able to ask questions. I honestly don't see anything wrong with that. My children are free to choose whatever spiritual path they want. And when they get older, I will encourage them to do so. Spiritual journeys are not for toddlers.
^_^:
My mother is a rabid catholic. I was raised fully catholic and couldn't get away from it fast enough when I left home. dh was also raised catholic and also left as soon as he could. he is currently exploring judaism, but has hit a brick wall b/c i don't want to convert and nobody will convert him without the whole family joining.
I love christmas, but to me the jesus birth thing is just a "nice story" that christians believe. i tend to think of christmas as the celebration that brought light and cheer to long, dark winters before electricity. to me it's an excuse to celebrate with family, and i love decorating the tree. i'm not really into easter. we did "hannukah only" last xmas and it depressed me alot. dh is saying he still wants to celebrate, and that's okay with me, but i'm getting my tree this year! :)
i plan to attack the issue from an academic standpoint. teach my kids the diverse histories behind the traditions (like how did a decorated pine tree come to have anything to do with the birth of jesus). i also want them to understand the different religions and to respect others' beliefs. i go to church with mum on christmas and hoidays because it just totally makes her so happy and it's one hour out of my life. i don't have a problem taking dd (though as mirthful said there's absolutely no point at this age) but i will be explaining to her that this is grandma's thing.
i guess like many here are saying, i really resented being raised in a religion b/c it is essentially programmed into you and i feel it diverted me from my true self for too long. i want my kids to be free to choose their own path one day. i want to emphasize that there is no 'right answer", even if various relatives claim things as Truth. i want them to see religion as a possible extension of their own innate spirituality.
^_^:
I was raised Catholic but felt very alienated early on. It was a very blue-collar, punitive Catholicism, very hostile to women. My husband was raised Lutheran, barely. His family evolved into a very anti-religious mode. I've tried on and off to explore what I believe. I've not reached any certainty but I realize I have an intense aversion to organized religion. But I have had amazing experiences of being guided by an inner voice which are not my own thoughts.
Still...after I had my daughter I found the birth story of Jesus incredibly poignant. I found a child's book called First Night which beautifully depicts an infant born in utter poverty in his mother's loving arms with the breath of animals to keep him warm. The idea that a deity's child was born in this way (humbly, among the animals) is an image I love on many levels. We talk about Christmas as a celebration of life and family. Easter is harder, I have struggled with the story more (as a parent I cannot put faith in the need for anyone to be sacrificed). We basically celebrate it for the season of new beginnings.
What I try to stay away from is either of these holidays becoming too "Hallmarked" or secular. I do tell her the stories so she is aware of what so many others believe, but she is very aware that others go to church and we do not, just as she is aware that other children get shots and she does not. I'm not equating religion with vaccination, just that I explain these things to her in terms of different people having different beliefs and living their lives according to their beliefs. I think she is aware that her dad and I are differnt in many ways than the mainstream so I don't think this has caused any issues for her, she just accepts it right now.
^_^:
I noticed several references in these posts to nature and feeling more spiritual in nature. How striking that is since I walk my dogs in woods near my home and I have felt the same way over and over-- more spiritual on those long, silent walks, more in awe of life, than any other time. I crave those walks, even in the worst weather I love them.
^_^:
i'd like to thank you all for your beautiful replies! even though i am strong in my beliefs and confident that we are making the right decision for our family, it is encouraging to see other mamas out there doing the same.
More Topical:
i was raised mormon, my dh catholic. neither one of us claim a religion as adults and do not go to church. we are both in agreeance that there is a higher power but we do not believe we have to attend church to find it.
i enjoy celebrating holidays, even christmas and easter. but i look at them a little different than most "Christians"
the story of jesus' birth is a nice one just not sure i want to tell it as truth. same as the resurrection.
i look more at these holidays as a season for giving (christmas) and a season of new beginnings, new life (easter)
i think we are going to explain santa as the spirit of christmas and giving and tell the story of saint nicholas.
as for the easter bunny? not sure yet.
our ds is only 17 mo so we have some time to "get our story straight"
i was looking for some advice from mamas who are in the same boat, what do you do for family traditions. there was another thread similar to this just recently, but i am more worried about explaining the religious side of the whole thing when i am not sure what i believe.
holidays aside. what do you do to explain god. i don;t have a huge problem with bible stories only because i look at them as just that. a nice story that teaches a lesson. but i am already having to nip things in the bud when it comes to gifts from grandparents. i don't want him to become confused.
i guess i am just hoping for faith in something to be restored before we really have to deal with the issue. i need to have a strong sense of ownership to a belief before i try explaining it to my ds.
i am just so freaked out over the idea that people think children have to go to church. look where it got me. i feel that that religion was forced on me and now i am resentful. listen to me, my kid is not even 2 years old and i am worried about shiving religion down his throat!
anyway, if you have ever read my other posts you know that i tend to ramble! i apologize!
i'd like to hear some thoughts and opinions on the subject.
^_^:
Well, we're in a slightly different boat, because our extended families still practice religion to some extent. We usually visit my mom at Christmas and Easter, and go to church with her then. My DH's family does a Seder at Passover and that's more or less the extent of it; we have a menorah at Hanukkah in our own home, but we don't do a lot of gifts.
My DD is 3 and really hasn't asked many questions yet. I have no trouble with the idea of explaining to her that God is the being who created the earth and us, and that people have lots of different ideas about what God is like, and that it's impossible to know for sure because we can't see or hear God. We plan to teach her to respect others' beliefs and practices, and if asked what her religion is, to have her tell people she comes from an interfaith home.
People worry a lot that kids will be questioned about their religion and will be "lost" if they don't have many answers. But I don't think that's necessarily true, unless the kids they spend a lot of time with are used to an environment where religion is discussed a great deal of the time.
For me, the key is probably to try to avoid speaking about organized religion in a hostile way, even if that's the way I sometimes feel. I'd like my DD to form her own opinions about that, and I certainly don't want to communicate those feelings to her until she's old enough to think carefully about religion. I also don't have a problem with the idea of my mom taking DD to church, or a friend's family doing so, IF they clearly understand that we are responsible for our childrens' religious education. If your parents and ILs aren't on board with what you feel, then I think you need to talk carefully with them about what you want to communicate to your ds about religion.
Good luck. I think the key is to decide what (simple) explanations you want to give your child. What he learns at home will be his primary influence, at least while he's very young.
^_^:
We dont do church.
DP's parents are born again christians...too much for me to handle, we are not allowed to sleep in their house when we visit becuase we are not married, which makes me not ever want to go.
My mom raised me catholic, which seemed rediculious to me because she was never married.
We do celebrate Christmas and Easter althgou not as religious hloidays, just as holidays.
^_^:
i was raised mormon, my dh catholic. neither one of us claim a religion as adults and do not go to church. we are both in agreeance that there is a higher power but we do not believe we have to attend church to find it. I could be you ! I was also raised mormon and have a DH who was raised catholic. Both of us have families who are involved in their respective churches but neither of us attend.
I haven't given much thought to the religious holiday issue. I don't have a problem with them and DS is young enough that it hasn't come up. So, I guess I'm just avoiding the issue. My big issue with my family was them (and me) coming to terms with the fact that I don't attend church and neither does DS - even when we're visiting. That was a big step for me in terms of independence.
A bigger issue for me is when other people feel that it's appropriate to bring up religion with us or DS. We had a babysitter who started reading the Bible and talking about Jesus to DS. He was under 2 at the time so it probably wasn't a big deal for him - but I was thoroughly offended. Needless to say, she doesn't babysit any more.
^_^:
I was raised Lutheran and my parents and grandparents are very religious. DH's mom was a religious fanatic and God "told her" to beat DH daily, so he is Atheist. We don't attend church but I will sometimes go to my parents church on holidays with my family, Dh will not.
I plan to tell dd the basics of religion and she can go to church or Sunday School with my parents if she is interested. I'm sure my parents will tell her bible stories, especially about the holidays. I will tell her there are many religions and people believe different things. As for why we don't attend church, I will probably just tell her some people enjoy going to church and it is where they give thanks for their blessings, etc. But we don't choose to go because we can do those things from home, or in nature. Hopefully that will be enough explanation until she is a teenager, then we can have open discussions about what we believe and about different religions. If she becomes interested in any religion, unless it's a cult or something, I would support her in that. And if she decides she is atheist that is fine too, I will not force anything on her. But I think it is important for her to have a general knowledge of all religions so she can make an informed decision.
^_^:
it's nice to see that there are other parents out there with the same situation.
as for us, church with grandparents will not be an option only because one is a catholic fanatic who is continuously "praying for us" and the other is passive aggressive when it comes to her feelings as to why i am not mormon anymore!.
i have no problem, though, when my ds gets older, if he wants to go to church. we can go. but i will teach him that there are many types of religions, one not necessarily being better than the other. it's just where you feel comfortable. or in nature, which is where i find it easiest to get in tune with my own spirituality.
i am sure my answers will be the same as most of you if the question does arise.
^_^:
I'm in a slightly different boat in that we are an athiest family, to be specific we are practicing secular humanists. I was raised Catholic (but we only went to church on Christmas and Easter) and my husband really had no formal religoius upbringing but his family is Christian.
My mom and I have been arguing about her taking my son to church for the last year. She hates, hates, hates that we do not believe in a higher power and has told me that my not teaching my son about God is equivilent to my not showing him love. Now I must add that it is only in the past few years that my mother had rediscovered her Catholicism, I was not raised in a religious home by any means.
I have told my mom numerous times that firstly, we have a right to raise our son under whatever philosophy we see fit. Just as she was given that right with her children. Secondly, we want an opportunity to teach our children about the humanist philosophy without a lot of confusing messages being sent out by my mom. And lastly, I have no problem with her taking my children to church when they are older. My son is 2. I do not feel that a church is any place for a rambuctious toddler. Why would anyone want to take a 2 year old to a place where they HAVE to be quiet and still? It's just setting my son up for failure.
When my children do go to church, IF they want to go, they will be old enough to undersatnd where they are going and what they are hearing. And most importantly, be able to ask questions. I honestly don't see anything wrong with that. My children are free to choose whatever spiritual path they want. And when they get older, I will encourage them to do so. Spiritual journeys are not for toddlers.
^_^:
My mother is a rabid catholic. I was raised fully catholic and couldn't get away from it fast enough when I left home. dh was also raised catholic and also left as soon as he could. he is currently exploring judaism, but has hit a brick wall b/c i don't want to convert and nobody will convert him without the whole family joining.
I love christmas, but to me the jesus birth thing is just a "nice story" that christians believe. i tend to think of christmas as the celebration that brought light and cheer to long, dark winters before electricity. to me it's an excuse to celebrate with family, and i love decorating the tree. i'm not really into easter. we did "hannukah only" last xmas and it depressed me alot. dh is saying he still wants to celebrate, and that's okay with me, but i'm getting my tree this year! :)
i plan to attack the issue from an academic standpoint. teach my kids the diverse histories behind the traditions (like how did a decorated pine tree come to have anything to do with the birth of jesus). i also want them to understand the different religions and to respect others' beliefs. i go to church with mum on christmas and hoidays because it just totally makes her so happy and it's one hour out of my life. i don't have a problem taking dd (though as mirthful said there's absolutely no point at this age) but i will be explaining to her that this is grandma's thing.
i guess like many here are saying, i really resented being raised in a religion b/c it is essentially programmed into you and i feel it diverted me from my true self for too long. i want my kids to be free to choose their own path one day. i want to emphasize that there is no 'right answer", even if various relatives claim things as Truth. i want them to see religion as a possible extension of their own innate spirituality.
^_^:
I was raised Catholic but felt very alienated early on. It was a very blue-collar, punitive Catholicism, very hostile to women. My husband was raised Lutheran, barely. His family evolved into a very anti-religious mode. I've tried on and off to explore what I believe. I've not reached any certainty but I realize I have an intense aversion to organized religion. But I have had amazing experiences of being guided by an inner voice which are not my own thoughts.
Still...after I had my daughter I found the birth story of Jesus incredibly poignant. I found a child's book called First Night which beautifully depicts an infant born in utter poverty in his mother's loving arms with the breath of animals to keep him warm. The idea that a deity's child was born in this way (humbly, among the animals) is an image I love on many levels. We talk about Christmas as a celebration of life and family. Easter is harder, I have struggled with the story more (as a parent I cannot put faith in the need for anyone to be sacrificed). We basically celebrate it for the season of new beginnings.
What I try to stay away from is either of these holidays becoming too "Hallmarked" or secular. I do tell her the stories so she is aware of what so many others believe, but she is very aware that others go to church and we do not, just as she is aware that other children get shots and she does not. I'm not equating religion with vaccination, just that I explain these things to her in terms of different people having different beliefs and living their lives according to their beliefs. I think she is aware that her dad and I are differnt in many ways than the mainstream so I don't think this has caused any issues for her, she just accepts it right now.
^_^:
I noticed several references in these posts to nature and feeling more spiritual in nature. How striking that is since I walk my dogs in woods near my home and I have felt the same way over and over-- more spiritual on those long, silent walks, more in awe of life, than any other time. I crave those walks, even in the worst weather I love them.
^_^:
i'd like to thank you all for your beautiful replies! even though i am strong in my beliefs and confident that we are making the right decision for our family, it is encouraging to see other mamas out there doing the same.
More Topical: