nursing, ttc, bad dh attitude - vent (long-ish) - update 7/20
I've been posting on the nursing mamas getting pregnant thread for the past couple of months. My dd is now 18.5 months old, I work out of the house 40 hr/wk, and we don't really nurse that much anymore. AF came yesterday and I had already decided I would begin charting this cycle and taking a few supplements if af came so I have started to do that. I feel really stuck now after a conversation with dh last night. Here's how it went:
The bottom line is that dh is wigged out by the fact that dd still nurses (when I get home from work usually and before bed, sometimes once in the middle of the night). He's got hang-ups which a lot of other people do too. I came home from work yesterday and said I was cranky but wouldn't take it out on them. So later he asked me why I was cranky - was I pregnant? I said I wasn't and that was why I was cranky. Ohhhhh, it's that time of the month. (I HATE that expression)
So, later after dd was asleep, dh says that I'm not going to get pregnant until I wean dd. I said women who nurse can get pregnant. He said he's read that breastfeeding can make it difficult to get pregnant. I said yes, it can but not impossible. (From what I've read, the amount that dd is nursing shouldn't have much of an effect) He said I was nursing just for comfort and it wasn't really necessary. (I wanted to say back to him but didn't "oh, then you shouldn't masturbate because it's not really necessary, you do it for comfort" - duh! sorry, tmi there) So we started firing statistics back and forth and finally he said that he would "screw me again after I weaned, otherwise he wasn't wasting his time". I thought about it for a minute and then asked if the whole getting pregnant thing were off the table, would he still think I should wean. He said yes because no one else we know nursed as long. Oh, that's a good argument - we need to be just like everyone else. He used his sister and aunt as examples. Well his aunt raised her kids in the 70's when everyone used formula so she's not a valid example. And SIL nursed her dd for about 7 or 8 months then switched to formula. Well, I can't say that served her dd well -- SIL's dd was recently diagnosed with not only allergies to eggs but also several nuts and cats. It has been proven that breastfeeding helps reduce excema (something else SIL's dd has) and food sensitivities. Arrrrrgggghhhh!
So, I'm in a quandry. I was hoping to let my dd wean herself (she's pretty darn close right now) and if I got pregnant, then she surely would because milk typically dries up by 4 months. But dh is being such a prick and I really do want to get pregnant. But, what if I wean and it still takes a while? Last time I got pregnant right away but that doesn't mean I will this time even if I wean. (I'm 35 and we want 2 more kids.) I feel stuck. I don't force dd to nurse - I only let her if she tells me she wants to (she either points or says more) -- I suppose that very thing wigs people out but now that I'm in this place, it doesn't wig me out.
So......I feel crappy today and I'm not sure what to do. Right now I'm thinking that I will follow my regimen of supplements and chart for a month or two and see what happens (assuming I can get dh to "screw me" at the right time).
Thanks for listening mamas! No one here IRL has been in this place. I did email my story to a friend who's having her own fertility issues (ttc #1) but she's never breastfed so she can't really relate to that aspect.
^_^:
oh Schatzie -
love :love & hugs :hug :hug to you.
I don't have any answers - hoping other mamas do !
I'm not sure why your dh is acting so militant about "woman issues" :D but I hope it gets worked out soon.
you know your babe better that anyone else.
^_^:
ok, trying not to :bawl in my office.... thank you for the :hug
The weird thing is, before I had dd and started bfing, I assumed that bfing a toddler would be weird and I would be doing well if I made it to a year. Well, now that I am bfing a toddler, I see that it's not weird and it's actually pretty cool. I like it that my dd tells me which side she wants by pointing, that she often dive-bombs me after I lift up my shirt and sort of laughs as if to say "ah ha ha, that's what I'm looking for". She just seems to get a lot out of bfing. And, I believe she still gets health benefits from it.
Part of me wants to dig in my heels just to spite dh. But, I know that's not wise and I really am feeling the clock ticking for getting #2 going.
I suspect part of my dh's problem (aside from the cultural hang-ups he appears to have) is that most of this ttc stuff is out of his control and he likes to maintain a certain level of control. He was ready before I was to get pregnant the first time and I remember when he was razzing me about it once I said "you may be the quarterback but I hold the playbook. We'll get pregnant when I'm ready".
Well, if you've read this far - thanks for listening! Just working out the jumbled mess in my head. (and I'm usually such a stable person :laugh: )
^_^:
Well, I didn't read your other replies, so I may be reiterative, but here goes:
I wanted to say back to him but didn't "oh, then you shouldn't masturbate because it's not really necessary, you do it for comfort" - duh! Brilliant! :LOL I love your response!
And if my dh said to me "screw me when she's weaned otherwise I'm not wasting my time" I'd say "Making love to me is a waste of time?"
I'm gonna give you some advice that people keep giving me - don't rush it. Your responsibility right now is to the child you do have. Her well-being is more important now than making another baby. Be there for her 100% - don't get too distracted and caught up on ttc#2. If you don't get pg right now, it's b/c your baby girl needs you now - body and soul. She's still pretty young and I'd say you're doing the right thing nursing her after she's been away from you all day - I can see where she would need it for comfort, but don't forget, even if it's just for comfort, she's still getting all the good stuff that's in it. BM is NEVER benign ... it's ALWAYS nutritious - no matter how old the child. Doesn't he want you to do what's best for his child?
Anyway, that's my 2 cents. I always tell my dh whenever he dissents, "read everything I've read and then we'll have an intelligent, educated conversation about what's best for dd. Otherwise, if you're not going to educate yourself, then you must trust ME to make this decision, because I HAVE educated myself." I don't say it in an accusatory way, very matter of factly, and he always says "well, you've got a point there."
Good luck!
^_^:
By the way, I understand about wanting to rush based on your age - I'll soon be 37. But I have a handful of friends around me having healthy babies in their 40's. And anyway, if I never get pg again, then I will have a wonderful, happy relationship with my one baby girl. I think every child is a gift. I'm so thankful for the one I have, and if I never have another one, I couldn't have been more blessed having this one.
^_^:
...and anyway, if you're ovulating you CAN get pg - whether or not you're nursing.
^_^:
First of all :hug to you.
Secondly ... I love the response you wanted to use...and think you should have used it! ;)
Thirdly...It's YOUR body and YOUR nursing relationship with your daughter, and, frankly, your dh has no right to say anything about it.
You sound frustrated not only with your dh's words and actions but also with the lack of support you're getting from someone who should be your biggest supporter. 18.5 months is still really young....she has every right to continue to nurse. The boost to her immune system, the nourishment of her body, mind and spirit, and the sheer comfort of mama's touch are invaluable to her right now. It sounds like you're doing a great job of meeting her needs while trying to attain your goal of getting pregnant.
Yes, it's possible to get pregnant while nursing. It's also possible to get pregnant while tandem nursing, which I found out 2 years and 9 months ago! A friend of mine uses me as an example when they think that her 18 month old is too old to nurse....she simply says, "Well at least I'm not nursing THREE kids like a friend of mine did ... and her oldest nursling was FOUR!" She says that the sheer shock of it makes her nursing of an 18 month old seem a lot more normal! ;)
More :hug to you!
^_^:
thanks mamas!
Well, I think I'm ovulating but I'll know this month since I've started to chart. But, if I'm not, then I've got the most regular, reliable, anovulary system around. Since af returned when dd was 12 months, af has arrived every 26 or 28 days as expected (that was my cycle length pre-dd too). The only difference is that my period seems a bit heavier than it used to be.
Yeah, I wish I had fired my "...you do it for comfort" comment back at dh. Of course, he views that as a necessary part of being a man.
We'll see how the month progresses. I'm not going to run out and wean dd tomorrow. I'm pretty much at don't offer, don't refuse and she let's me know when she's interested.
And yes, I don't think my dh has read as much as I have about the benefits of bfing or how it affects ttc. But, I'm not inclined to give him a bunch of info to read right now.
Happy nursing to all :toddler:
More Topical:
The bottom line is that dh is wigged out by the fact that dd still nurses (when I get home from work usually and before bed, sometimes once in the middle of the night). He's got hang-ups which a lot of other people do too. I came home from work yesterday and said I was cranky but wouldn't take it out on them. So later he asked me why I was cranky - was I pregnant? I said I wasn't and that was why I was cranky. Ohhhhh, it's that time of the month. (I HATE that expression)
So, later after dd was asleep, dh says that I'm not going to get pregnant until I wean dd. I said women who nurse can get pregnant. He said he's read that breastfeeding can make it difficult to get pregnant. I said yes, it can but not impossible. (From what I've read, the amount that dd is nursing shouldn't have much of an effect) He said I was nursing just for comfort and it wasn't really necessary. (I wanted to say back to him but didn't "oh, then you shouldn't masturbate because it's not really necessary, you do it for comfort" - duh! sorry, tmi there) So we started firing statistics back and forth and finally he said that he would "screw me again after I weaned, otherwise he wasn't wasting his time". I thought about it for a minute and then asked if the whole getting pregnant thing were off the table, would he still think I should wean. He said yes because no one else we know nursed as long. Oh, that's a good argument - we need to be just like everyone else. He used his sister and aunt as examples. Well his aunt raised her kids in the 70's when everyone used formula so she's not a valid example. And SIL nursed her dd for about 7 or 8 months then switched to formula. Well, I can't say that served her dd well -- SIL's dd was recently diagnosed with not only allergies to eggs but also several nuts and cats. It has been proven that breastfeeding helps reduce excema (something else SIL's dd has) and food sensitivities. Arrrrrgggghhhh!
So, I'm in a quandry. I was hoping to let my dd wean herself (she's pretty darn close right now) and if I got pregnant, then she surely would because milk typically dries up by 4 months. But dh is being such a prick and I really do want to get pregnant. But, what if I wean and it still takes a while? Last time I got pregnant right away but that doesn't mean I will this time even if I wean. (I'm 35 and we want 2 more kids.) I feel stuck. I don't force dd to nurse - I only let her if she tells me she wants to (she either points or says more) -- I suppose that very thing wigs people out but now that I'm in this place, it doesn't wig me out.
So......I feel crappy today and I'm not sure what to do. Right now I'm thinking that I will follow my regimen of supplements and chart for a month or two and see what happens (assuming I can get dh to "screw me" at the right time).
Thanks for listening mamas! No one here IRL has been in this place. I did email my story to a friend who's having her own fertility issues (ttc #1) but she's never breastfed so she can't really relate to that aspect.
^_^:
oh Schatzie -
love :love & hugs :hug :hug to you.
I don't have any answers - hoping other mamas do !
I'm not sure why your dh is acting so militant about "woman issues" :D but I hope it gets worked out soon.
you know your babe better that anyone else.
^_^:
ok, trying not to :bawl in my office.... thank you for the :hug
The weird thing is, before I had dd and started bfing, I assumed that bfing a toddler would be weird and I would be doing well if I made it to a year. Well, now that I am bfing a toddler, I see that it's not weird and it's actually pretty cool. I like it that my dd tells me which side she wants by pointing, that she often dive-bombs me after I lift up my shirt and sort of laughs as if to say "ah ha ha, that's what I'm looking for". She just seems to get a lot out of bfing. And, I believe she still gets health benefits from it.
Part of me wants to dig in my heels just to spite dh. But, I know that's not wise and I really am feeling the clock ticking for getting #2 going.
I suspect part of my dh's problem (aside from the cultural hang-ups he appears to have) is that most of this ttc stuff is out of his control and he likes to maintain a certain level of control. He was ready before I was to get pregnant the first time and I remember when he was razzing me about it once I said "you may be the quarterback but I hold the playbook. We'll get pregnant when I'm ready".
Well, if you've read this far - thanks for listening! Just working out the jumbled mess in my head. (and I'm usually such a stable person :laugh: )
^_^:
Well, I didn't read your other replies, so I may be reiterative, but here goes:
I wanted to say back to him but didn't "oh, then you shouldn't masturbate because it's not really necessary, you do it for comfort" - duh! Brilliant! :LOL I love your response!
And if my dh said to me "screw me when she's weaned otherwise I'm not wasting my time" I'd say "Making love to me is a waste of time?"
I'm gonna give you some advice that people keep giving me - don't rush it. Your responsibility right now is to the child you do have. Her well-being is more important now than making another baby. Be there for her 100% - don't get too distracted and caught up on ttc#2. If you don't get pg right now, it's b/c your baby girl needs you now - body and soul. She's still pretty young and I'd say you're doing the right thing nursing her after she's been away from you all day - I can see where she would need it for comfort, but don't forget, even if it's just for comfort, she's still getting all the good stuff that's in it. BM is NEVER benign ... it's ALWAYS nutritious - no matter how old the child. Doesn't he want you to do what's best for his child?
Anyway, that's my 2 cents. I always tell my dh whenever he dissents, "read everything I've read and then we'll have an intelligent, educated conversation about what's best for dd. Otherwise, if you're not going to educate yourself, then you must trust ME to make this decision, because I HAVE educated myself." I don't say it in an accusatory way, very matter of factly, and he always says "well, you've got a point there."
Good luck!
^_^:
By the way, I understand about wanting to rush based on your age - I'll soon be 37. But I have a handful of friends around me having healthy babies in their 40's. And anyway, if I never get pg again, then I will have a wonderful, happy relationship with my one baby girl. I think every child is a gift. I'm so thankful for the one I have, and if I never have another one, I couldn't have been more blessed having this one.
^_^:
...and anyway, if you're ovulating you CAN get pg - whether or not you're nursing.
^_^:
First of all :hug to you.
Secondly ... I love the response you wanted to use...and think you should have used it! ;)
Thirdly...It's YOUR body and YOUR nursing relationship with your daughter, and, frankly, your dh has no right to say anything about it.
You sound frustrated not only with your dh's words and actions but also with the lack of support you're getting from someone who should be your biggest supporter. 18.5 months is still really young....she has every right to continue to nurse. The boost to her immune system, the nourishment of her body, mind and spirit, and the sheer comfort of mama's touch are invaluable to her right now. It sounds like you're doing a great job of meeting her needs while trying to attain your goal of getting pregnant.
Yes, it's possible to get pregnant while nursing. It's also possible to get pregnant while tandem nursing, which I found out 2 years and 9 months ago! A friend of mine uses me as an example when they think that her 18 month old is too old to nurse....she simply says, "Well at least I'm not nursing THREE kids like a friend of mine did ... and her oldest nursling was FOUR!" She says that the sheer shock of it makes her nursing of an 18 month old seem a lot more normal! ;)
More :hug to you!
^_^:
thanks mamas!
Well, I think I'm ovulating but I'll know this month since I've started to chart. But, if I'm not, then I've got the most regular, reliable, anovulary system around. Since af returned when dd was 12 months, af has arrived every 26 or 28 days as expected (that was my cycle length pre-dd too). The only difference is that my period seems a bit heavier than it used to be.
Yeah, I wish I had fired my "...you do it for comfort" comment back at dh. Of course, he views that as a necessary part of being a man.
We'll see how the month progresses. I'm not going to run out and wean dd tomorrow. I'm pretty much at don't offer, don't refuse and she let's me know when she's interested.
And yes, I don't think my dh has read as much as I have about the benefits of bfing or how it affects ttc. But, I'm not inclined to give him a bunch of info to read right now.
Happy nursing to all :toddler:
More Topical: