NEED advice ASAP friend miscarried!!!!(Cross-posted from pregnancy and loss)
I have this friend (my neighbor) who just lost her baby she was 14 weeks I think...Her husband is deployed and I am not sure whether to go to her house and comfort her or leave her alone...I have never had a miscarriage and this is her 5th miscarriage in 5 years...I feel awful because I am 22 weeks pregnant so I am showing and I am afraid if I am around her it might hurt her...I am sorry if this is disturbing to anyone as that is NOT my intention I just need to know what I should do...I want her to know I will be here for her but does she need space? Please help me out
^_^:
I would go to her, and say basically what you said here - "I don't know whether you need space or comfort, but I want you to know I am here for you" or something like that. Or send her flowers. Take her dinner. Do something. IME, the worst thing is for people to do nothing, and not acknowledge your loss. So do whatever you would normally do when someone loses a family member.
^_^:
Having never been in her position, I can only imagine what I would want if I were in your friend's position. I know I would want my husband, but if he were away for some reason, I think I might want a good friend's company.
I have been in your position before and here's what I did. I called up my friend and just made small talk for a bit and just told her I was worried about her but not sure what to do. Would she be interested in grabbing dinner or something, depending on how she was feeling? I offered to treat either out somewhere or I could bring takeout or something. I think I might have offered to bring a movie over, too.
All we did was talk about misc junk - absolutely nothing important. Later on, she said she was happy to have the company, but not feel pressured to talk about the miscarriage. Basically, she just wanted something else to do / think about.
HTH!
^_^:
If going by seems to make you nervous, you could always call or drop a little card by her home to let her know you're thinking of her and there if she needs you.
^_^:
Why not just be honest with her about your feelings? When I had an ectopic in '03, my bf was due anyday. She stayed away from me. And she didn't call when she was going crazy with a newborn. I had to tell her "I'm coming over to help you!" I wish she would have just talked to me about it.
Tell her your concerns.
^_^:
I ditto a lot of what has been posted, but yes, call your friend, tell her you are thinking of her and want to help. Be honest and tell her that you are worried that your growing belly will upset her. Too many women are left to deal with the pain of miscarriage on their own because people are afraid to talk about it with them. Talking helps to heal and we all have a part to play in bringing this out into the open and letting people know that miscarriages are an unfortunate part of being female and an important life event that should be acknowledged. Hope that helps.
^_^:
I would go to her.. its hard going threw a miscarriage.. but on top of that her hubby is deployed.....militray wives stand by each other... we have a tough job....but its even harder when we are alone and away from our loved opnes.. go to her.. ask what you can do.. clean a living room or anything.. i miscarriged a twin with this pregancy and it hurt not to have my husband there...we were newlyweds too.. me and my best friend weren't talking and i had noone....i was soo depressed..
^_^:
Oh my goodness, I want to go give her a hug. What a difficult thing to go through alone.
You know, there is no way around the fact that seeing pregnant women is painful for a woman who has just lost a baby, but having a friend avoid you is FAR worse. I would bring her dinner (that was one of the nicest things done for me when I had my miscarriage), give her a big hug and tell her you are so very sorry. You don't need to say anything else.
^_^:
I ditto that, just tell her you want to be there but don't want to upset her with you pregnancy. I think having a pregnant caring friend is waaay better than no friend at all.
Does she know about MDC? maybe she can share her feelings with others that have gone trhough it with her for instance the Pregnancy and Loss forum.
^_^:
What a tough, and sad situation. I would totally go to her and just tell her what you are feeling- want to help but are afraid to hurt her. Show up with choclate or something you know she likes. Make sure she knows you are there for her.
So sad. :(
^_^:
Well I went over there last night before I got any replies on here and it went pretty well...I found out that she was 16 weeks so 4 months she was more hurt about this miscarriage because she felt the baby move and heard the heartbeat and everything...I made sure not to ask her about too much she just told me...I guess her baby's heart stopped beating...My friend thought maybe it was because she was smoking but I tried to tell her that that probably wasn't it...I regret smoking in my first 2 pregnancies but my Dd's are still here and I smoked A LOT( I have totally quit with this one)...She cut down a lot...They are making her go in and have the baby naturally which she said is A LOT worse she isn't dialating or anything...I can only imagine...I feel so bad I mean I cried for her and with her...I told her I was here for her if she needed me and I would go with her to the hospital to deliver if she wanted...She wants to take pictures and everything so I know she's going to need a friend...I can only try to put myself in her shoes and I told her what I think I would want to hear...I feel awful because she is so depressed all she wants to do is drink her life away and it just breaks my heart...I said please don't do that that I would miss her...I had her come over to my house so we could watch a few of our favorites shows since my tv comes in better then her Dh called...I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing considering she had JUST started half smiling...Her Dh didn't know yet...I am going to go over there later but if she is sleeping I don't want to wake her up she needs to rest...Thanks you all for your replies and keep them coming please I can use all the advice I can get
^_^:
I think it is great that you went over there to spend time with her. I'm sure just having soemone there who cares will help her a lot. She's lucky to have you.
^_^:
You're being a great friend. Hugs to you both!
^_^:
:crying
I hope you will succeed in comforting her, at least somewhat.
That is so sad.
More Topical:
^_^:
I would go to her, and say basically what you said here - "I don't know whether you need space or comfort, but I want you to know I am here for you" or something like that. Or send her flowers. Take her dinner. Do something. IME, the worst thing is for people to do nothing, and not acknowledge your loss. So do whatever you would normally do when someone loses a family member.
^_^:
Having never been in her position, I can only imagine what I would want if I were in your friend's position. I know I would want my husband, but if he were away for some reason, I think I might want a good friend's company.
I have been in your position before and here's what I did. I called up my friend and just made small talk for a bit and just told her I was worried about her but not sure what to do. Would she be interested in grabbing dinner or something, depending on how she was feeling? I offered to treat either out somewhere or I could bring takeout or something. I think I might have offered to bring a movie over, too.
All we did was talk about misc junk - absolutely nothing important. Later on, she said she was happy to have the company, but not feel pressured to talk about the miscarriage. Basically, she just wanted something else to do / think about.
HTH!
^_^:
If going by seems to make you nervous, you could always call or drop a little card by her home to let her know you're thinking of her and there if she needs you.
^_^:
Why not just be honest with her about your feelings? When I had an ectopic in '03, my bf was due anyday. She stayed away from me. And she didn't call when she was going crazy with a newborn. I had to tell her "I'm coming over to help you!" I wish she would have just talked to me about it.
Tell her your concerns.
^_^:
I ditto a lot of what has been posted, but yes, call your friend, tell her you are thinking of her and want to help. Be honest and tell her that you are worried that your growing belly will upset her. Too many women are left to deal with the pain of miscarriage on their own because people are afraid to talk about it with them. Talking helps to heal and we all have a part to play in bringing this out into the open and letting people know that miscarriages are an unfortunate part of being female and an important life event that should be acknowledged. Hope that helps.
^_^:
I would go to her.. its hard going threw a miscarriage.. but on top of that her hubby is deployed.....militray wives stand by each other... we have a tough job....but its even harder when we are alone and away from our loved opnes.. go to her.. ask what you can do.. clean a living room or anything.. i miscarriged a twin with this pregancy and it hurt not to have my husband there...we were newlyweds too.. me and my best friend weren't talking and i had noone....i was soo depressed..
^_^:
Oh my goodness, I want to go give her a hug. What a difficult thing to go through alone.
You know, there is no way around the fact that seeing pregnant women is painful for a woman who has just lost a baby, but having a friend avoid you is FAR worse. I would bring her dinner (that was one of the nicest things done for me when I had my miscarriage), give her a big hug and tell her you are so very sorry. You don't need to say anything else.
^_^:
I ditto that, just tell her you want to be there but don't want to upset her with you pregnancy. I think having a pregnant caring friend is waaay better than no friend at all.
Does she know about MDC? maybe she can share her feelings with others that have gone trhough it with her for instance the Pregnancy and Loss forum.
^_^:
What a tough, and sad situation. I would totally go to her and just tell her what you are feeling- want to help but are afraid to hurt her. Show up with choclate or something you know she likes. Make sure she knows you are there for her.
So sad. :(
^_^:
Well I went over there last night before I got any replies on here and it went pretty well...I found out that she was 16 weeks so 4 months she was more hurt about this miscarriage because she felt the baby move and heard the heartbeat and everything...I made sure not to ask her about too much she just told me...I guess her baby's heart stopped beating...My friend thought maybe it was because she was smoking but I tried to tell her that that probably wasn't it...I regret smoking in my first 2 pregnancies but my Dd's are still here and I smoked A LOT( I have totally quit with this one)...She cut down a lot...They are making her go in and have the baby naturally which she said is A LOT worse she isn't dialating or anything...I can only imagine...I feel so bad I mean I cried for her and with her...I told her I was here for her if she needed me and I would go with her to the hospital to deliver if she wanted...She wants to take pictures and everything so I know she's going to need a friend...I can only try to put myself in her shoes and I told her what I think I would want to hear...I feel awful because she is so depressed all she wants to do is drink her life away and it just breaks my heart...I said please don't do that that I would miss her...I had her come over to my house so we could watch a few of our favorites shows since my tv comes in better then her Dh called...I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing considering she had JUST started half smiling...Her Dh didn't know yet...I am going to go over there later but if she is sleeping I don't want to wake her up she needs to rest...Thanks you all for your replies and keep them coming please I can use all the advice I can get
^_^:
I think it is great that you went over there to spend time with her. I'm sure just having soemone there who cares will help her a lot. She's lucky to have you.
^_^:
You're being a great friend. Hugs to you both!
^_^:
:crying
I hope you will succeed in comforting her, at least somewhat.
That is so sad.
More Topical: