What do I say?
Okay, I personally know all the benifits of feeding on demand, co sleeping, avoiding CIO, etc..... Enough that I am in the process of editting a book on AP. But I have no friends who agree with this style of parenting and they are CONSTANTLY telling me I NEED to spank my older kids and let my infant son cry and all that. The biggest issue for them for some reason is how I ought to let my 3 month old cry as it "doesn't hurt him" and "he needs to develop his lungs and to learn to self soothe" I guess its more of an issue right now as he is going thorugh a growth spurt so he is feeding FAR more frequently, especially in comparison to his FF peers. My friend sees it as spoiling. Its sad, yesterday she said her 5 month old started fussing and the instant she picked him up he was all smiling and she said "Oh, no way! " and put him down cuz she saw it as him manipulating her.....Ugh. Anyway, what I need is some suggestions as to how to respond to people without coming across as judgmental or ignorant. I want them to see the education and proof behind how I parent but I don't want to drone on about statistics, etc.... What would you say???
^_^:
Get some new friends? I don't know. I probably just wouldn't talk about it. It's amazing to me that some people still think babies need to cry to develop their lungs. My mom actually said that to me the other day @@. Whatever! You don't have to defend your choices. I doubt they're very interested in hearing about why you do things the way you do. Most people aren't.
^_^:
"How about you shut up about the way I parent and I won't talk to you about how CIO and spanking are child abuse?"
:irked:
^_^:
I only really explain the reasoning behind my parenting if someone is truly interested. I don't bother talking about it with people who obviously disagree with me. A simple "This is what's best for our LO and our family" usually suffices. They don't care about any proof, anyway. They will just berate me further if I try to site any books or studies.
^_^:
Its sad, yesterday she said her 5 month old started fussing and the instant she picked him up he was all smiling and she said "Oh, no way! " and put him down cuz she saw it as him manipulating her.....Ugh. Wow, how horrible that he is happy in his mama's arms :lol
Anyway, what I need is some suggestions as to how to respond to people without coming across as judgmental or ignorant. I want them to see the education and proof behind how I parent but I don't want to drone on about statistics, etc.... What would you say??? I ... avoid such conversations lately :duck:
What I've found, at least in my experience is that most people don't want to make informed decisions, they want to do what's easiest or most convenient for them... and want to believe it is the best thing for their child :gloomy: Becoming informed is too painful for most people because they might have to *gasp* admit that they're wrong! There is only a small percentage (such as mdc Mamas) that are actually interested in making informed decisions even when it makes you admit something you'd rather not, or take a more difficult route than conventional american "wisdom" would indicate. :lol
It's easier to just be a sheeple.
^_^:
I think the OP is asking for the data to show she has made an informed decision. I am not a mother yet (due in Nov), but I plan on babywearing, breastfeeding on demand, co-sleeping etc, but I wouldn't call my approach AP, only because I don't like labeling myself in a parenting style I don't know a whole lot about.
It concerns me that "avoidance" of the topic is the only advice she has gotten thus far. If she were asking about circumcision or not vaxing there would be tons of facts and data thrown at her.
I'm really not trying to stir the pot here, or get flames thrown at me... but why is AP a better approach? I am asking because I want to educate myself as well, but on all the AP websites I have read I haven't seen a lot of the claims backed up by stats.
^_^:
When someone tells me to let DD cry, or something of the sort, I usually say, "That just goes against everyone of my maternal instincts" or "I'm just following my instincts and it seems to be working for us." There's really not much else they can say to that.
^_^:
Here is maybe something that will help.
I am currently doing a Masters in Psychology, and I have just finished a course in which I looked at the effects of early maternal care on the development of infant stress responses...as infants, children and into adulthood.
I was specifically looking at how adverse experiences in childhood increase adult vulnerability to addiction.
But when babies are left to cry, this is a stressful situation for them - and their cortisol (the main stress hormone) levels are elevated. An infants stress regulation system is also not fully developed as a child - we, as mothers, help them to regulate their stress responses.
When babies are left to cry, with cortisol flooding their bodies, this is 'teaching' their stress response system that they are growing up in a stressful environment - so their stress system will not develop optimally.
Different children develop different stress response abnormalities - and we don't exactly know how all of these are related/all the effects they have. But they certainly are not good.
Not saying that kids left to CIO will grow up as pyschopaths! But responding sensitively to your child helps your child's developing stress response system to develop optimally - which will, in turn, help them to better be able to deal with stress in later life.
A pretty good 'biological' reason not to leave your child to 'CIO', in my opinion.
^_^:
The only proof of the wrongness of CIO I have is unfortunately anecdotal, but it's enough to convince me. My sister had a lot of issues as a baby, and my mother told me several times (guiltily) that sometimes she would just put my sister in the crib and let her wail for long periods of time.
I am almost positive that that contributed heavily to sleep issues that plague her to this day. She has regular night terrors (she's almost 30 now), and is terrified of falling asleep. She has severe insomnia, and has never settled into a normal pattern of sleep and waking. Her "pattern" is often two or three days of raging insomnia, then a system crash that lasts another several days, and all over again.
I think the way we parent is heavily instinctive and comes out of concern for the baby as a full human being. All the things you've mentioned about what the other mothers are saying, don't take into account the emotional well being of the child-- only the comfort of the parents and "training" of the child. And of course, most of it comes from ignorance. I don't know how we can change this.
^_^:
How ironic that the very sleep training method used by most people may also be the reason many adults need sleeping pills.
Maybe we can blame the pervasiveness of CIO to pharmaceutical companies trying to secure the next crop of non sleepers :lol
^_^:
on the negative effects of CIO and putting babies to sleep in seperate rooms.
As to spanking, Alfie Kohn has done lots of research on the detrimental effects of "conditional love" and different forms of discipline (as have others, I know). there are lots of resources in the top-level section of the Gentle Discipline board...
^_^:
I find that most people are unresponsive and don't bother to read the resources I give them. So I just say a little mantra in my head ("don't say anything... dont' say anything... dont' say anything...") and let the moment pass.
The last time I said something it was just awful and created quite the scene.
All I know is that my MIL rarely, if ever spanked, in an era of pro-spanking, and she didn't practice CIO; she breastfed long term (except my DH, unfortunately, although she tried -- long story) and slept with her babies (not all the time, but frequently). All 4 of her kids visit her often and are fairly emotionally secure. They treat women very well (all are boys) and are all VERY pro-family. Could just be coincidence, but I doubt it. While I don't get along with her very much, I do admire the way she raised her boys and I see the strong family ties as an example of AP's effects 30 years after the baby's born.
I'm trying to think of responses, too... instead of bluntly verbally attacking people with facts (i.e., "I heard that gives babies brain damage" isn't the best way to tell your pro-CIO friend that you don't agree with her)
More Topical:
^_^:
Get some new friends? I don't know. I probably just wouldn't talk about it. It's amazing to me that some people still think babies need to cry to develop their lungs. My mom actually said that to me the other day @@. Whatever! You don't have to defend your choices. I doubt they're very interested in hearing about why you do things the way you do. Most people aren't.
^_^:
"How about you shut up about the way I parent and I won't talk to you about how CIO and spanking are child abuse?"
:irked:
^_^:
I only really explain the reasoning behind my parenting if someone is truly interested. I don't bother talking about it with people who obviously disagree with me. A simple "This is what's best for our LO and our family" usually suffices. They don't care about any proof, anyway. They will just berate me further if I try to site any books or studies.
^_^:
Its sad, yesterday she said her 5 month old started fussing and the instant she picked him up he was all smiling and she said "Oh, no way! " and put him down cuz she saw it as him manipulating her.....Ugh. Wow, how horrible that he is happy in his mama's arms :lol
Anyway, what I need is some suggestions as to how to respond to people without coming across as judgmental or ignorant. I want them to see the education and proof behind how I parent but I don't want to drone on about statistics, etc.... What would you say??? I ... avoid such conversations lately :duck:
What I've found, at least in my experience is that most people don't want to make informed decisions, they want to do what's easiest or most convenient for them... and want to believe it is the best thing for their child :gloomy: Becoming informed is too painful for most people because they might have to *gasp* admit that they're wrong! There is only a small percentage (such as mdc Mamas) that are actually interested in making informed decisions even when it makes you admit something you'd rather not, or take a more difficult route than conventional american "wisdom" would indicate. :lol
It's easier to just be a sheeple.
^_^:
I think the OP is asking for the data to show she has made an informed decision. I am not a mother yet (due in Nov), but I plan on babywearing, breastfeeding on demand, co-sleeping etc, but I wouldn't call my approach AP, only because I don't like labeling myself in a parenting style I don't know a whole lot about.
It concerns me that "avoidance" of the topic is the only advice she has gotten thus far. If she were asking about circumcision or not vaxing there would be tons of facts and data thrown at her.
I'm really not trying to stir the pot here, or get flames thrown at me... but why is AP a better approach? I am asking because I want to educate myself as well, but on all the AP websites I have read I haven't seen a lot of the claims backed up by stats.
^_^:
When someone tells me to let DD cry, or something of the sort, I usually say, "That just goes against everyone of my maternal instincts" or "I'm just following my instincts and it seems to be working for us." There's really not much else they can say to that.
^_^:
Here is maybe something that will help.
I am currently doing a Masters in Psychology, and I have just finished a course in which I looked at the effects of early maternal care on the development of infant stress responses...as infants, children and into adulthood.
I was specifically looking at how adverse experiences in childhood increase adult vulnerability to addiction.
But when babies are left to cry, this is a stressful situation for them - and their cortisol (the main stress hormone) levels are elevated. An infants stress regulation system is also not fully developed as a child - we, as mothers, help them to regulate their stress responses.
When babies are left to cry, with cortisol flooding their bodies, this is 'teaching' their stress response system that they are growing up in a stressful environment - so their stress system will not develop optimally.
Different children develop different stress response abnormalities - and we don't exactly know how all of these are related/all the effects they have. But they certainly are not good.
Not saying that kids left to CIO will grow up as pyschopaths! But responding sensitively to your child helps your child's developing stress response system to develop optimally - which will, in turn, help them to better be able to deal with stress in later life.
A pretty good 'biological' reason not to leave your child to 'CIO', in my opinion.
^_^:
The only proof of the wrongness of CIO I have is unfortunately anecdotal, but it's enough to convince me. My sister had a lot of issues as a baby, and my mother told me several times (guiltily) that sometimes she would just put my sister in the crib and let her wail for long periods of time.
I am almost positive that that contributed heavily to sleep issues that plague her to this day. She has regular night terrors (she's almost 30 now), and is terrified of falling asleep. She has severe insomnia, and has never settled into a normal pattern of sleep and waking. Her "pattern" is often two or three days of raging insomnia, then a system crash that lasts another several days, and all over again.
I think the way we parent is heavily instinctive and comes out of concern for the baby as a full human being. All the things you've mentioned about what the other mothers are saying, don't take into account the emotional well being of the child-- only the comfort of the parents and "training" of the child. And of course, most of it comes from ignorance. I don't know how we can change this.
^_^:
How ironic that the very sleep training method used by most people may also be the reason many adults need sleeping pills.
Maybe we can blame the pervasiveness of CIO to pharmaceutical companies trying to secure the next crop of non sleepers :lol
^_^:
on the negative effects of CIO and putting babies to sleep in seperate rooms.
As to spanking, Alfie Kohn has done lots of research on the detrimental effects of "conditional love" and different forms of discipline (as have others, I know). there are lots of resources in the top-level section of the Gentle Discipline board...
^_^:
I find that most people are unresponsive and don't bother to read the resources I give them. So I just say a little mantra in my head ("don't say anything... dont' say anything... dont' say anything...") and let the moment pass.
The last time I said something it was just awful and created quite the scene.
All I know is that my MIL rarely, if ever spanked, in an era of pro-spanking, and she didn't practice CIO; she breastfed long term (except my DH, unfortunately, although she tried -- long story) and slept with her babies (not all the time, but frequently). All 4 of her kids visit her often and are fairly emotionally secure. They treat women very well (all are boys) and are all VERY pro-family. Could just be coincidence, but I doubt it. While I don't get along with her very much, I do admire the way she raised her boys and I see the strong family ties as an example of AP's effects 30 years after the baby's born.
I'm trying to think of responses, too... instead of bluntly verbally attacking people with facts (i.e., "I heard that gives babies brain damage" isn't the best way to tell your pro-CIO friend that you don't agree with her)
More Topical: