DD lied, not sure what to do
Tirza is 7. I wasn't home when this happened.
I had told the girls earlier that there was a possibility of a special dessert(we never have dessert) if they ate all their supper(bbq hamburgers which they love). They love them enough that eating them all is NEVER a problem.
Tirza and Nadia(4) were fighting over a toilet paper roll(they colour them and cut them into trees). Apparently Tirza had it first and Nadia wanted it. They both ended up crying becuase they both wanted it. Nadia lied and said she had it first. Dh wouldn't let either of them have it because of how they were acting. I do not know if he knows Nadia lied or not. Nadia isn't my concern right now, she has issues.
So after supper Dh went to have a shower. He had told the girls they could not have(or we did not have, not sure) the special dessert. When he got in the shower Tirza and Asha(5) went downstairs to look for dessert. It would have been Tirza's idea and Asha was tagging along or Tirza wanted her to go with her. Dustin(our border) was down there so they asked him if they could look in the freezer to see if the dessert was in there. He let them look and he saw it but they didn't. This is where the lying came in. He must have pointed it out becuase then Tirza told him that Dh said they could have it so he gave it to them.
After dh came out of the shower he saw they had them and knew they'd lied to Dustin. Surprisingly Dh only made Tirza go down and apologize to Dustin for lying.
It is out of character for Tirza to lie or act this sneaky, I am fairly certain it is a behaviour she is getting from a friend of hers who has been lying lately due to her own family issues. Tirza and I had talked this morning about some of the things Sierra saying not being true.
now I don't know if apologizing to Dustin is enough though. I don't want to ground her. It does nothing and is useless. She doesn't have anything that is an absolute she must have other than getting to play with her friends or ride her bike with them, she does have a Tamagotchi coming in the mail that she would be heartbroken over if it arrived and I didn't let her have it. Taking anything away doesn't seem right(and the Tamagotchi probably won't be here until next week so that's pointless).
We did talk about how lying makes other people feel. This is the first time she has lied in this type of manner(normally she starts laughing if she tries, she sucks at it) so maybe having to apologize is enough. From what I could see when I got home it looked like they were able to eat their dessert anyhow. I did not let her watch one of her favorite shows tonight.
^_^:
Trying out lying is a very developmentally typical seven year old behavior. She tried it out. It didn't work. She probably feels bad or embarassed even if she isn't showing.
My suggestions:
1. I'd empathasize with her a bit. Let her know that maybe this happened to you when you were a kid and it was a mistake but mistakes are how we learn. You know that she tries hard and this is a mistake and you bet she'll do better next time.
2. Personally I feel uncomfortable making food a reward or a punishment. I know people vary on this, but it seems to me that in our culture we tend to have huge issues with food. The fact that she feels pushed to break the rules and to lie is bad and for me would suggest maybe backing off a bit making dessert a special thing or making conditional on behavior.
3. And, again I may be alone here, but I'm not a big fan of forced apologies. I'm fine with talking the child through what happened, how it may hurt and then pausing and waiting for them to realize that an apology is in order. My guess is she'd get there on her own. Once she's apologized as far as I'm concerned it needs to be done.
Most of all I wouldn't over react. Pretty much every kid on the planet has lied and they grow up just fine. I'd try to keep your reaction pretty low key to this.
^_^:
Ita
^_^:
I agree that food should NEVER have been any kind of reward.
As for the lying I would simply say "You knew you were not supposed to get the dessert tonight. In the future I expect that when we have told you that you may not have something you will not take it."
i would not focus on the lying so much as the behavior.
^_^:
The dessert wasn't really a reward or punishment. Dessert has always been a special thing, generally we only have it at Thanksgiving, Xmas, Easter or if we are at moms(I swear that woman would have dessert at bkfast). Based on what we were having for supper and what the girls ate for snack I knew they'd eat all of their supper. The way you explained it was functioning as both. It was the reward for eating all their dinner and it was used as a punishment when they fought over the paper tube. It isn't really a matter of knowing whether they will eat their dinner or not...it is the dangling some kinds of food over their heads that is problematic for me. It ties all kinds of emotions to dessert that don't need to be there and it may contribute to food problems in the future (and also played a role in the lying incident as well). This is just one of those things where yes most everyone in our culture treats food this way...but there is another way to think about it that may make everyone's life easier in the long run.
^_^:
Can we get back to the original question.
I do not believe that what I said about dessert is the cause of her lying to the border. Nor do I believe that saying it once will cause food issues. They knew what we were having for supper and they knew they'd eat all of their supper too.
^_^:
Can we get back to the original question.
I do not believe that what I said about dessert is the cause of her lying to the border. Nor do I believe that saying it once will cause food issues. They knew what we were having for supper and they knew they'd eat all of their supper too. For me it is kind of hard to talk about the original question without considering the broader context. Lying is a pretty developmentally normal behavior. Most kids try it out. I think the best thing is to keep your reaction in check, very calmly restate your expectations for her behavior, empathize with her feelings and move on. I think you've already done that so I'd let it go. As far as saying it once about food...the reality is that most of our kids get icky messages about food all of the time from the culture. So of course saying it once isn't going to mess up your kid, but it may just be a negative element that would just as easily be skipped in the future so why not? I'm not a fan of tying things together that have nothing to do with each other. I don't think it teaches a lot. The TP roll had nothing to do with dessert and the lying had nothing to do with the TV show.
I do think it is important for parents not to set their kids up to lie and to try to avoid situations that promote lying. My guess is that if you put most seven year olds in a room with a pile of candy and asked them to watch it without touching, many of them would lack the will not to sneak one or two particualrly if they very rarely got candy. It doesn't mean that seven year olds are immoral beings, but that it is just pretty much a normal thing to know something is the right thing to do but to still not be able to resist temptation.
^_^:
For me it is kind of hard to talk about the original question without considering the broader context. Lying is a pretty developmentally normal behavior. Most kids try it out. I think the best thing is to keep your reaction in check, very calmly restate your expectations for her behavior, empathize with her feelings and move on. I think you've already done that so I'd let it go. As far as saying it once about food...the reality is that most of our kids get icky messages about food all of the time from the culture. So of course saying it once isn't going to mess up your kid, but it may just be a negative element that would just as easily be skipped in the future so why not? I'm not a fan of tying things together that have nothing to do with each other. I don't think it teaches a lot. The TP roll had nothing to do with dessert and the lying had nothing to do with the TV show.
I do think it is important for parents not to set their kids up to lie and to try to avoid situations that promote lying. My guess is that if you put most seven year olds in a room with a pile of candy and asked them to watch it without touching, many of them would lack the will not to sneak one or two particualrly if they very rarely got candy. It doesn't mean that seven year olds are immoral beings, but that it is just pretty much a normal thing to know something is the right thing to do but to still not be able to resist temptation. ITA with this. And also with the dinner-dessert link. If I have dessert planned, and DS doesn't eat all his dinner, he still gets dessert. I know some people would gasp at that, but to me it's not a contingency thing. Some nights I might not finish everything on my plate, but will still have dessert. We don't do dessert every day, probably a couple times a week, but he gets it whether he's cleaned his plate or not, *because* I don't want it to turn into a "thing"...
But, back to the OP, ITA with Roar that the TP roll has nothing to do with dessert, and the lying has nothing to do with TV, and that lying is developmental, so I wouldn't do anything other than state future expectations and talk about why what happened happened.
More Topical:
I had told the girls earlier that there was a possibility of a special dessert(we never have dessert) if they ate all their supper(bbq hamburgers which they love). They love them enough that eating them all is NEVER a problem.
Tirza and Nadia(4) were fighting over a toilet paper roll(they colour them and cut them into trees). Apparently Tirza had it first and Nadia wanted it. They both ended up crying becuase they both wanted it. Nadia lied and said she had it first. Dh wouldn't let either of them have it because of how they were acting. I do not know if he knows Nadia lied or not. Nadia isn't my concern right now, she has issues.
So after supper Dh went to have a shower. He had told the girls they could not have(or we did not have, not sure) the special dessert. When he got in the shower Tirza and Asha(5) went downstairs to look for dessert. It would have been Tirza's idea and Asha was tagging along or Tirza wanted her to go with her. Dustin(our border) was down there so they asked him if they could look in the freezer to see if the dessert was in there. He let them look and he saw it but they didn't. This is where the lying came in. He must have pointed it out becuase then Tirza told him that Dh said they could have it so he gave it to them.
After dh came out of the shower he saw they had them and knew they'd lied to Dustin. Surprisingly Dh only made Tirza go down and apologize to Dustin for lying.
It is out of character for Tirza to lie or act this sneaky, I am fairly certain it is a behaviour she is getting from a friend of hers who has been lying lately due to her own family issues. Tirza and I had talked this morning about some of the things Sierra saying not being true.
now I don't know if apologizing to Dustin is enough though. I don't want to ground her. It does nothing and is useless. She doesn't have anything that is an absolute she must have other than getting to play with her friends or ride her bike with them, she does have a Tamagotchi coming in the mail that she would be heartbroken over if it arrived and I didn't let her have it. Taking anything away doesn't seem right(and the Tamagotchi probably won't be here until next week so that's pointless).
We did talk about how lying makes other people feel. This is the first time she has lied in this type of manner(normally she starts laughing if she tries, she sucks at it) so maybe having to apologize is enough. From what I could see when I got home it looked like they were able to eat their dessert anyhow. I did not let her watch one of her favorite shows tonight.
^_^:
Trying out lying is a very developmentally typical seven year old behavior. She tried it out. It didn't work. She probably feels bad or embarassed even if she isn't showing.
My suggestions:
1. I'd empathasize with her a bit. Let her know that maybe this happened to you when you were a kid and it was a mistake but mistakes are how we learn. You know that she tries hard and this is a mistake and you bet she'll do better next time.
2. Personally I feel uncomfortable making food a reward or a punishment. I know people vary on this, but it seems to me that in our culture we tend to have huge issues with food. The fact that she feels pushed to break the rules and to lie is bad and for me would suggest maybe backing off a bit making dessert a special thing or making conditional on behavior.
3. And, again I may be alone here, but I'm not a big fan of forced apologies. I'm fine with talking the child through what happened, how it may hurt and then pausing and waiting for them to realize that an apology is in order. My guess is she'd get there on her own. Once she's apologized as far as I'm concerned it needs to be done.
Most of all I wouldn't over react. Pretty much every kid on the planet has lied and they grow up just fine. I'd try to keep your reaction pretty low key to this.
^_^:
Ita
^_^:
I agree that food should NEVER have been any kind of reward.
As for the lying I would simply say "You knew you were not supposed to get the dessert tonight. In the future I expect that when we have told you that you may not have something you will not take it."
i would not focus on the lying so much as the behavior.
^_^:
The dessert wasn't really a reward or punishment. Dessert has always been a special thing, generally we only have it at Thanksgiving, Xmas, Easter or if we are at moms(I swear that woman would have dessert at bkfast). Based on what we were having for supper and what the girls ate for snack I knew they'd eat all of their supper. The way you explained it was functioning as both. It was the reward for eating all their dinner and it was used as a punishment when they fought over the paper tube. It isn't really a matter of knowing whether they will eat their dinner or not...it is the dangling some kinds of food over their heads that is problematic for me. It ties all kinds of emotions to dessert that don't need to be there and it may contribute to food problems in the future (and also played a role in the lying incident as well). This is just one of those things where yes most everyone in our culture treats food this way...but there is another way to think about it that may make everyone's life easier in the long run.
^_^:
Can we get back to the original question.
I do not believe that what I said about dessert is the cause of her lying to the border. Nor do I believe that saying it once will cause food issues. They knew what we were having for supper and they knew they'd eat all of their supper too.
^_^:
Can we get back to the original question.
I do not believe that what I said about dessert is the cause of her lying to the border. Nor do I believe that saying it once will cause food issues. They knew what we were having for supper and they knew they'd eat all of their supper too. For me it is kind of hard to talk about the original question without considering the broader context. Lying is a pretty developmentally normal behavior. Most kids try it out. I think the best thing is to keep your reaction in check, very calmly restate your expectations for her behavior, empathize with her feelings and move on. I think you've already done that so I'd let it go. As far as saying it once about food...the reality is that most of our kids get icky messages about food all of the time from the culture. So of course saying it once isn't going to mess up your kid, but it may just be a negative element that would just as easily be skipped in the future so why not? I'm not a fan of tying things together that have nothing to do with each other. I don't think it teaches a lot. The TP roll had nothing to do with dessert and the lying had nothing to do with the TV show.
I do think it is important for parents not to set their kids up to lie and to try to avoid situations that promote lying. My guess is that if you put most seven year olds in a room with a pile of candy and asked them to watch it without touching, many of them would lack the will not to sneak one or two particualrly if they very rarely got candy. It doesn't mean that seven year olds are immoral beings, but that it is just pretty much a normal thing to know something is the right thing to do but to still not be able to resist temptation.
^_^:
For me it is kind of hard to talk about the original question without considering the broader context. Lying is a pretty developmentally normal behavior. Most kids try it out. I think the best thing is to keep your reaction in check, very calmly restate your expectations for her behavior, empathize with her feelings and move on. I think you've already done that so I'd let it go. As far as saying it once about food...the reality is that most of our kids get icky messages about food all of the time from the culture. So of course saying it once isn't going to mess up your kid, but it may just be a negative element that would just as easily be skipped in the future so why not? I'm not a fan of tying things together that have nothing to do with each other. I don't think it teaches a lot. The TP roll had nothing to do with dessert and the lying had nothing to do with the TV show.
I do think it is important for parents not to set their kids up to lie and to try to avoid situations that promote lying. My guess is that if you put most seven year olds in a room with a pile of candy and asked them to watch it without touching, many of them would lack the will not to sneak one or two particualrly if they very rarely got candy. It doesn't mean that seven year olds are immoral beings, but that it is just pretty much a normal thing to know something is the right thing to do but to still not be able to resist temptation. ITA with this. And also with the dinner-dessert link. If I have dessert planned, and DS doesn't eat all his dinner, he still gets dessert. I know some people would gasp at that, but to me it's not a contingency thing. Some nights I might not finish everything on my plate, but will still have dessert. We don't do dessert every day, probably a couple times a week, but he gets it whether he's cleaned his plate or not, *because* I don't want it to turn into a "thing"...
But, back to the OP, ITA with Roar that the TP roll has nothing to do with dessert, and the lying has nothing to do with TV, and that lying is developmental, so I wouldn't do anything other than state future expectations and talk about why what happened happened.
More Topical: