Driving myself up a wall....
I know I need some help with this one. I have always been a big "fan" of AP, and know in my heart that it's the right thing. BUT.... I'm having some serious issues with my own reactions to things, and I don't know what to do.
My youngest is 3 years old. He's highly intelligent (ALL kids are, I know!), extremely verbal, knows his numbers and letters already.... has a talent for memorization like I've never seen! He rarely sleeps, however. I can't get anyone to understand that he sleeps little. I can't get anything done, can't manage to do the usual things like laundry, cooking, minimal cleaning. EVERYTHING with him is a major struggle. Eating, changing clothes, changing diapers, bathtime.... even when it's something he WANTS to do, he pitches a major fit, screaming, getting hysterical. Bedtime is a disaster every night. I try to adhere to a schedule, letting him know what to expect well in advance, so there are no surprises.
My son doesn't eat much. He's not starving to death, so I'm not worried about that. We eat little to no processed foods. No sweets. No sodas or sugary anything. On the rare occasion when the neighbor lady gives him a cookie, though, it takes at least 2 days to get his behavior out of the volcanic eruption phase. Once, the neighbor gave him a sugarfree cookie, and OMG! In point of fact, I have never seen anyone react to unhealthy foods the way my son does!
I reach meltdown point many times a day. My hubby, while he agrees with the concept of AP, also points out that my approach is not working. And he is right. I try to reason with my son.... who can reason with a 3 year old? Finally, it escalates to the point where I HAVE to spank him. It's the only thing that breaks the cycle. I have screamed myself to the point of a respiratory infection. I have gone for days without showering because I don't dare leave him unattended while I bathe. The only person available to watch him for even a few minutes is the woman who will give him cookies and soda and junk food, no matter what I say. Her grandchildren, by the way, 6 and 7 years old, are on numerous medications for ADHD, OCD, some kind of developmental delay disorders.... I'm frantic.
I know my son's problem is not the food, since he eats decent food here at home. I am the problem. I can't seem to deal with any aspect of his behavior. I can't seem to tolerate having other kids around him. It has taken me 2 hours to write this letter. I can't think. I'm asthmatic and trying to control that, but I end up so upset and in a major attack before I know what's happening. I get very little time to myself. I expect that. I gave up all my hobbies and outside interests 18 years ago when I first had children. All I have now are my kids, and I'm failing miserably at parenting. My two older children are living with their dad 800 miles away, so they can't offer any assistance as far as watching my son for a few minutes.
You can tell by the rambling in this letter that I can't even seem to organize my thoughts into a cohesive whole. I don't know what to do or how to do it.
^_^:
:hug I hear that you are overwhelmed. BUT- it is never okay to hit. Especially not a child. What if your husband said- my wife just won't listen, sometimes I HAVE to hit her. That would NOT be okay. Honestly it sounds like you need some outside help. Can you find a counselor or someone to speak with?
-Angela
^_^:
Just because he eats "healthy" food doesn't mean that he doesn't have food issues. Dairy, wheat, corn, soy, and peanuts are some of the most allergenic foods around. Even naturally-occuring components of foods, such as salicylates, can cause HUGE problems for some kids. It sounds to me like your son could be having a reaction to something he's eating on a regular basis. Perhaps you should look into seeing an allergist or a naturopath to see if he's allergic or sensitive to any foods.
Also, I would look into sending your son to preschool or hiring a mother's helper a few hours a week. If you are to the point of hitting your son, you NEED a break. It's not a luxury or optional. It's imperative. I'm sure you know that hitting your son will only, in the long term, make his behavior worse, even if it seems to help in the short run.
I'm not sure what you mean by, "I can't seem to tolerate having other kids around him." Why can't you tolerate that?
Do you have ANY friends who can help you out? Even if they don't understand the severity of your feelings, can you just say, "I know that you don't understand just how bad I am feeling, but I feel BAD and I NEED some help"?
Best wishes to you. I hope some other Mommas have better advice for you.
^_^:
I have a very high energy, intelligent, opinionated 2 1/2 year-old. I can keep up with him for only so long before I start to lose it (and I'm high energy and intelligent - but 36 years older than him!). I do agree that hitting is never ok - it doesn't work in the long run and is quite likely making the overall problem worse. What has been very good for me is daycare/preschool for 2 days a week. We started with short days (3 hours) when he was 16 months old. We'll up his schedule to 3 days this fall. It gives me time to get things done, take care of myself, etc. Often I end up running around frantically to take care of things before I get to pick him up. Just a thought that you sound really overwhelmed and maybe a regularly scheduled break would be helpful to you. I've also seen that my son does really well with the structure at preschool and enjoys being in an environment tailored to his energy level and age.
^_^:
I agree with the other posters - you need a break. I think the preschool idea holds a lot of merit. His issues sound a lot like a dairy or wheat allergy to me - there's another mom on this board who has similar behavior issues with her son that she can track to eating dairy or wheat. You may want to try a simple elimination diet and see if his behavior changes at all.
You also need to make a rule for yourself that hitting him is NOT OK. It's hard, but both my parents went from hitters to non-hitters during the course of their parenting career. I'm doing a similar thing myself about yelling. I'm almost to the point where I can declare yelling NOT OK - at either my husband or my son. It's hard for me because I came from a family of yellers. I can actually hear my father's voice in my head when dealing with DS sometimes. It's scary.
You need to try and take care of yourself. I hope things get better soon.
^_^:
Unforturnately, preschool/daycare isn't an option for me at this time, nor is hiring a sitter. Hubby is bringing home less than the equivalent of minimum wage, something like $150 a week, and we are barely able to pay our basic bills. We were on public assistance, but they say now that John makes too much money, so they have cut us off. That's okay, we wanted off the system anyway, but a transition period would have been nice.
As far as outside help from family, John and I are both older (52 and 45), and all our family is dead. We have no friends we can depend on either. It's just John and me. That's why we feel like we have to do it all: because we really DO.
My comment about being uncomfortable about having other kids around my son stems from the fact that the only other kids that ARE around are the two with the "problems". ADHD, OCD, PPD (I think that's what they called it). They are both on a ton of medication, eat complete junk incessantly, try to feed my son glass shards from the road, try to destroy what few toys my son has, try to hurt him in anyway possible. Do I want them around my baby? NO!
Transportation has been a problem for 6 months. Right after we moved to Chattanooga, our van fell apart. Not fixable. But on John's income, we can't get another vehicle. Sometimes I walk 4 miles to the grocery store. Sometimes John rides his bike. It's a long trip for a 3 year old. Options are damn few.
Roxanne
^_^:
They are basically looking at their idea of how he SHOULD be paid.... He gets $6.21 an hour, and works sometimes 12 hours a day or more; but he doesn't get that hourly rate for the time he is driving, only for the time he is waiting for a crew. While he's driving, he gets 15.9 cents a mile. If it's a 60 mile trip, he gets paid $9.54 for driving that trip, no matter how long it takes him. If it's during rush hour, and traffic is heavy, it takes him longer. If the crew wants to stop for whatever reason, he doesn't get compensated for that. If he is on call, but at home and not driving, he doesn't get compensated for that either. But DHS is thinking that he gets the hourly rate for the time he is "on the job". I've told them otherwise, but they don't care.
Roxanne I cant beleive that they dont beleive the check stubs or an employers statement of wages paid?
^_^:
Hi Momma -
I think you know some of the answers - spanking is not working and yelling is not working - in the long run because the behaviours are persisting.
Your situation sounds fairly layered - including other stressors like money, etc.
I'm not going to try to pretend to know how to fix every ailment for you - but I will offer a couple of ideas to try and break your cycle:
1. Stop trying to accomplish anything in the house for awhile and focus completely on DS. (Hard to do, I know)
2. Get him OUT of the house. The house can drive you both crazy. Plan a major outting to a park or other play area where he can be around other kids and use up some of that energy - every day - from late morning until early to mid afternoon - pack a lunch, eat it there. Also a good place for you to find time to talk with other moms - so important. I just read that transpo is an issue - buses? any other public transpo? park or library within walking distance?
3. After the big outting - return home - go to DS room with DS - lay on bed - talk about the day - read books - read many many books together. Tell him you are going to take a nap "with him" -- he doesn't have to sleep if he doesn't want to - but you will be right there with him. Then you try to sleep - sometimes a parent's resting and the child knowing the parent isn't getting up to leave - allows them to relax enough, let go and sleep.
I'll leave the more heady stuff to others - I am sure you will get some good advice on potential food allergies, sleep issues, counseling, etc. This is just a couple of more basic suggestions. Good luck momma - keep us posted.
^_^:
Roxanne, oh, mama, First, :hug
Second, you are the only one who controls your actions. You don't ever HAVE to spank. Though I'm sure it can feel that way in the middle of things---you have a lot of tools at your disposal, figure out which ones will work other than physical punishment. Could make sure he's safe and you yourself leave the room (or whatever works for you and ds)....
Third, I felt extrememly desperate before we found ds1 had a dairy allergy. I was virtually all alone and was grasping at straws. The behavior you describe sounds like he's screaming for help. There's something wrong. I think you'd agree? That's how I felt. There's something wrong with my baby, and I have to find out because I can't take it anymore....It could very well be allergies, sensory issues or another underlying health concern. Either way, it is definitely something. If you can, try really hard to remember he can't help himself. He's not bad; he just feels bad :(
I would recommend reading in the Health and Healing forum's Allergies subforum. There are a lot of BTDT mamas with a wealth of info. I highly recommend the book, Is This Your Child by Dr. Doris Rapp. It was a lifesaver for us.
I have a wonderful contact in Chattanooga whose dh is also pediatrician---and they know an EXCELLENT pediatric allergist, if the need arises. She also knows tons of older children who I believe you would be acceptable around your child. You could still be in the house while you got a break for some mommy time. I know lots of teens who are cool with bartering :) PM me if you'd like her #. Ok? You can get through this :hug You're not alone.
^_^:
I agree. These bright kids have tremendous capacity for creativity - and tremendous capacity for boredom and resultant mischievous, irksome behaviors. I think many times problem behavior has it's roots in boredom.
My 2 yo is in a progressive preschool 5 days per week, and participates in a number of regular extracurricular activities, and I'm still challenged in keeping her entertained enough to not fall into misbehaving simply to have something to do. I can imagine your son must be really struggling, what with the lack of playmates and new things to do.
Getting out of the house is great, great advice. Check with the nearest branch of your public library. Find out about kid's activities and programs. Meet some other parents whom you can arrange play dates with. There should be a local Head Start Program. You don't have to buy into every philosophy they preach in order to find lots of good advice and experiences there.
Parenting is hard enough when life isn't throwing you a bunch of curve balls. You need some help, and you and your son deserve it.
More Topical:
My youngest is 3 years old. He's highly intelligent (ALL kids are, I know!), extremely verbal, knows his numbers and letters already.... has a talent for memorization like I've never seen! He rarely sleeps, however. I can't get anyone to understand that he sleeps little. I can't get anything done, can't manage to do the usual things like laundry, cooking, minimal cleaning. EVERYTHING with him is a major struggle. Eating, changing clothes, changing diapers, bathtime.... even when it's something he WANTS to do, he pitches a major fit, screaming, getting hysterical. Bedtime is a disaster every night. I try to adhere to a schedule, letting him know what to expect well in advance, so there are no surprises.
My son doesn't eat much. He's not starving to death, so I'm not worried about that. We eat little to no processed foods. No sweets. No sodas or sugary anything. On the rare occasion when the neighbor lady gives him a cookie, though, it takes at least 2 days to get his behavior out of the volcanic eruption phase. Once, the neighbor gave him a sugarfree cookie, and OMG! In point of fact, I have never seen anyone react to unhealthy foods the way my son does!
I reach meltdown point many times a day. My hubby, while he agrees with the concept of AP, also points out that my approach is not working. And he is right. I try to reason with my son.... who can reason with a 3 year old? Finally, it escalates to the point where I HAVE to spank him. It's the only thing that breaks the cycle. I have screamed myself to the point of a respiratory infection. I have gone for days without showering because I don't dare leave him unattended while I bathe. The only person available to watch him for even a few minutes is the woman who will give him cookies and soda and junk food, no matter what I say. Her grandchildren, by the way, 6 and 7 years old, are on numerous medications for ADHD, OCD, some kind of developmental delay disorders.... I'm frantic.
I know my son's problem is not the food, since he eats decent food here at home. I am the problem. I can't seem to deal with any aspect of his behavior. I can't seem to tolerate having other kids around him. It has taken me 2 hours to write this letter. I can't think. I'm asthmatic and trying to control that, but I end up so upset and in a major attack before I know what's happening. I get very little time to myself. I expect that. I gave up all my hobbies and outside interests 18 years ago when I first had children. All I have now are my kids, and I'm failing miserably at parenting. My two older children are living with their dad 800 miles away, so they can't offer any assistance as far as watching my son for a few minutes.
You can tell by the rambling in this letter that I can't even seem to organize my thoughts into a cohesive whole. I don't know what to do or how to do it.
^_^:
:hug I hear that you are overwhelmed. BUT- it is never okay to hit. Especially not a child. What if your husband said- my wife just won't listen, sometimes I HAVE to hit her. That would NOT be okay. Honestly it sounds like you need some outside help. Can you find a counselor or someone to speak with?
-Angela
^_^:
Just because he eats "healthy" food doesn't mean that he doesn't have food issues. Dairy, wheat, corn, soy, and peanuts are some of the most allergenic foods around. Even naturally-occuring components of foods, such as salicylates, can cause HUGE problems for some kids. It sounds to me like your son could be having a reaction to something he's eating on a regular basis. Perhaps you should look into seeing an allergist or a naturopath to see if he's allergic or sensitive to any foods.
Also, I would look into sending your son to preschool or hiring a mother's helper a few hours a week. If you are to the point of hitting your son, you NEED a break. It's not a luxury or optional. It's imperative. I'm sure you know that hitting your son will only, in the long term, make his behavior worse, even if it seems to help in the short run.
I'm not sure what you mean by, "I can't seem to tolerate having other kids around him." Why can't you tolerate that?
Do you have ANY friends who can help you out? Even if they don't understand the severity of your feelings, can you just say, "I know that you don't understand just how bad I am feeling, but I feel BAD and I NEED some help"?
Best wishes to you. I hope some other Mommas have better advice for you.
^_^:
I have a very high energy, intelligent, opinionated 2 1/2 year-old. I can keep up with him for only so long before I start to lose it (and I'm high energy and intelligent - but 36 years older than him!). I do agree that hitting is never ok - it doesn't work in the long run and is quite likely making the overall problem worse. What has been very good for me is daycare/preschool for 2 days a week. We started with short days (3 hours) when he was 16 months old. We'll up his schedule to 3 days this fall. It gives me time to get things done, take care of myself, etc. Often I end up running around frantically to take care of things before I get to pick him up. Just a thought that you sound really overwhelmed and maybe a regularly scheduled break would be helpful to you. I've also seen that my son does really well with the structure at preschool and enjoys being in an environment tailored to his energy level and age.
^_^:
I agree with the other posters - you need a break. I think the preschool idea holds a lot of merit. His issues sound a lot like a dairy or wheat allergy to me - there's another mom on this board who has similar behavior issues with her son that she can track to eating dairy or wheat. You may want to try a simple elimination diet and see if his behavior changes at all.
You also need to make a rule for yourself that hitting him is NOT OK. It's hard, but both my parents went from hitters to non-hitters during the course of their parenting career. I'm doing a similar thing myself about yelling. I'm almost to the point where I can declare yelling NOT OK - at either my husband or my son. It's hard for me because I came from a family of yellers. I can actually hear my father's voice in my head when dealing with DS sometimes. It's scary.
You need to try and take care of yourself. I hope things get better soon.
^_^:
Unforturnately, preschool/daycare isn't an option for me at this time, nor is hiring a sitter. Hubby is bringing home less than the equivalent of minimum wage, something like $150 a week, and we are barely able to pay our basic bills. We were on public assistance, but they say now that John makes too much money, so they have cut us off. That's okay, we wanted off the system anyway, but a transition period would have been nice.
As far as outside help from family, John and I are both older (52 and 45), and all our family is dead. We have no friends we can depend on either. It's just John and me. That's why we feel like we have to do it all: because we really DO.
My comment about being uncomfortable about having other kids around my son stems from the fact that the only other kids that ARE around are the two with the "problems". ADHD, OCD, PPD (I think that's what they called it). They are both on a ton of medication, eat complete junk incessantly, try to feed my son glass shards from the road, try to destroy what few toys my son has, try to hurt him in anyway possible. Do I want them around my baby? NO!
Transportation has been a problem for 6 months. Right after we moved to Chattanooga, our van fell apart. Not fixable. But on John's income, we can't get another vehicle. Sometimes I walk 4 miles to the grocery store. Sometimes John rides his bike. It's a long trip for a 3 year old. Options are damn few.
Roxanne
^_^:
They are basically looking at their idea of how he SHOULD be paid.... He gets $6.21 an hour, and works sometimes 12 hours a day or more; but he doesn't get that hourly rate for the time he is driving, only for the time he is waiting for a crew. While he's driving, he gets 15.9 cents a mile. If it's a 60 mile trip, he gets paid $9.54 for driving that trip, no matter how long it takes him. If it's during rush hour, and traffic is heavy, it takes him longer. If the crew wants to stop for whatever reason, he doesn't get compensated for that. If he is on call, but at home and not driving, he doesn't get compensated for that either. But DHS is thinking that he gets the hourly rate for the time he is "on the job". I've told them otherwise, but they don't care.
Roxanne I cant beleive that they dont beleive the check stubs or an employers statement of wages paid?
^_^:
Hi Momma -
I think you know some of the answers - spanking is not working and yelling is not working - in the long run because the behaviours are persisting.
Your situation sounds fairly layered - including other stressors like money, etc.
I'm not going to try to pretend to know how to fix every ailment for you - but I will offer a couple of ideas to try and break your cycle:
1. Stop trying to accomplish anything in the house for awhile and focus completely on DS. (Hard to do, I know)
2. Get him OUT of the house. The house can drive you both crazy. Plan a major outting to a park or other play area where he can be around other kids and use up some of that energy - every day - from late morning until early to mid afternoon - pack a lunch, eat it there. Also a good place for you to find time to talk with other moms - so important. I just read that transpo is an issue - buses? any other public transpo? park or library within walking distance?
3. After the big outting - return home - go to DS room with DS - lay on bed - talk about the day - read books - read many many books together. Tell him you are going to take a nap "with him" -- he doesn't have to sleep if he doesn't want to - but you will be right there with him. Then you try to sleep - sometimes a parent's resting and the child knowing the parent isn't getting up to leave - allows them to relax enough, let go and sleep.
I'll leave the more heady stuff to others - I am sure you will get some good advice on potential food allergies, sleep issues, counseling, etc. This is just a couple of more basic suggestions. Good luck momma - keep us posted.
^_^:
Roxanne, oh, mama, First, :hug
Second, you are the only one who controls your actions. You don't ever HAVE to spank. Though I'm sure it can feel that way in the middle of things---you have a lot of tools at your disposal, figure out which ones will work other than physical punishment. Could make sure he's safe and you yourself leave the room (or whatever works for you and ds)....
Third, I felt extrememly desperate before we found ds1 had a dairy allergy. I was virtually all alone and was grasping at straws. The behavior you describe sounds like he's screaming for help. There's something wrong. I think you'd agree? That's how I felt. There's something wrong with my baby, and I have to find out because I can't take it anymore....It could very well be allergies, sensory issues or another underlying health concern. Either way, it is definitely something. If you can, try really hard to remember he can't help himself. He's not bad; he just feels bad :(
I would recommend reading in the Health and Healing forum's Allergies subforum. There are a lot of BTDT mamas with a wealth of info. I highly recommend the book, Is This Your Child by Dr. Doris Rapp. It was a lifesaver for us.
I have a wonderful contact in Chattanooga whose dh is also pediatrician---and they know an EXCELLENT pediatric allergist, if the need arises. She also knows tons of older children who I believe you would be acceptable around your child. You could still be in the house while you got a break for some mommy time. I know lots of teens who are cool with bartering :) PM me if you'd like her #. Ok? You can get through this :hug You're not alone.
^_^:
I agree. These bright kids have tremendous capacity for creativity - and tremendous capacity for boredom and resultant mischievous, irksome behaviors. I think many times problem behavior has it's roots in boredom.
My 2 yo is in a progressive preschool 5 days per week, and participates in a number of regular extracurricular activities, and I'm still challenged in keeping her entertained enough to not fall into misbehaving simply to have something to do. I can imagine your son must be really struggling, what with the lack of playmates and new things to do.
Getting out of the house is great, great advice. Check with the nearest branch of your public library. Find out about kid's activities and programs. Meet some other parents whom you can arrange play dates with. There should be a local Head Start Program. You don't have to buy into every philosophy they preach in order to find lots of good advice and experiences there.
Parenting is hard enough when life isn't throwing you a bunch of curve balls. You need some help, and you and your son deserve it.
More Topical: