What exactly does "gentle discipline" mean?
I have never heard the term "gentle discipline" before and am wondering what exactly consitutes "gentle"?
Is is just not spanking? and not yelling? Or is there more to it? Please, tell me all about it! :)
I am due with my first, but have taught preschool for several years and have developed what I consider a "gentle" approach - like using redirection, offering options, offering clear rules and consequences, 1-2-3 warning timeouts (paired with redirections) and talking/explaining (it amazes me how many people don't bother to talk to children!).
I have found that providing a routine, clear rules, being consistent on enforcing those rules as well as with consequences, offering options and using redirection, and just talking to the kids makes such a dramatic difference in behavior. I was told before starting that several of my boys were "unmanagable, and needed medication." While they were rebellious, they just needed a routine, someone to believe in them, and Love! Within a few weeks those boys were some of my biggest "helpers."
I am wondering these methods are what you mean by "gentle discipline." and I am really interested in learning more about it!!!
^_^:
You might want to check out the book list and read some of the books mentioned.
I think most of what you are describing would be considered gentle discipline. There is a big debate among people in this forum about time outs of any kind. I think there is ample evidence that time outs do not teach good behavior and at best stop bad behavior and have avoided using time outs with my children or other people's children in my care. There are people on the forum that are very defensive and emotional about their use of time outs.
^_^:
I think also that people get mixed up in semantics---some people are adamantly against Time outs, but will do what they call "time in's"....and unless this is explained to eachother they might be doing the same thing and not even know it yk?
It depends what you are calling a time out--if you are making a screaming, crying, upset child face a corner and as a condition of her "release" she has to say sorry---ala "supercrappy" then to me that is bs, completely ineffective, and completely degrading to the child...
but if your version of time out is--->I realize you are upset, but we don't hit other people, that hurts...so if you feel you are too angry to stop hitting, maybe you should cool down in your room for a few minutes until you feel a bit calmer and we can talk about it---(age appropriate variation)....then I find that perfectly acceptable...
Similarly the choices approach---we have 2 choices, but hitting is not one of them. We can talk about why you are angry and see what we can do to fix it, or you can choose to go to your room until you have cooled off and we can talk then---or similar---of course those aren't set in stone, but you get the drift...
Of course I would try redirection first, etc...but on the topic of time-outs, we first have to be clear on what everyone's definition of it is before we come to conclusions about what is effective etc....kwim?
^_^:
I can only answer this personally.....
To me, GD is about compassionate, respectful parenting. It is the opposite of adversarial parenting (parent in charge, children obey). Instead, parents teach by example (modelling behavior they would like child to learn), trust their children's good intentions (if acting "wrong", then something *is* wrong....emphasis on helping child handle the situation better, rather than punishing the behavior), and respect their children's ages and stages (avoid unrealistic expectations, putting children in situations that are inappropriate, etc).
On time out--personally, I feel that removing dd from certain situations falls under "helping child handle the situation better"--a break, sort of like a time out in sports. Time outs can also be quite punitive, imo, especially if it involves a time-out spot, and a certain number of minutes, and isolation (rather than accompanied by a caregiver to help the child calm down and regroup).
^_^:
What sunmama said! :thumb
We have ditched the punishment and consequences paradigm and opted for a more "team" approach that focuses on teaching and guiding.
Just as I taught my child about the stove, I teach him about behavior/manners/etc. So I told him that the stove is hot and let him get close enough to feel it's heat but not get hurt. If he somehow touched it and got a bad burn, I wouldn't punish him. I would comfort him and continue to teach him about the dangers of the stove. If it became clear that he couldn't control his impulses and kept getting burned, I would separate him from the stove--not as punishment, but for his safety.
Likewise, when he was going through a big hitting stage, I didn't punish him (and it was HARD for me to have faith that not punishing would really, truly work!). I told him hitting hurt, it was not an acceptable way to treat people, and showed him a bunch of alternatives (gentle touching, words to say, leaving, etc.).
When there were instances where he was not able to stop himself from lashing out at playdates, we left. Again, not as punishment, but for safety's sake (in this case, the other people's). And that worked--the hitting is over. (Now we talk about why the other kids are hitting *him* and I explain that they were very patient and good friends when Sam was hitting, so now it's his turn to be patient with them! :LOL And he gets it. Furthermore, he now tries really hard to help them problem solve).
I think I prefer the term "positive discipline" to "gentle discipline" b/c it more accurately describes teaching how to behave the "right" way, rather than just punishing the "wrong" behavior in a non-violent manner.
^_^:
To me GD is about parenting in the kindest, most repectful way possible.
Of course no spanking or yelling of any kind ... but it's more than that. It's about respecting my child's feelings and emotions and seeing him as a small person who deserves to have his feelings and opinions heard and respected.
That said, I do feel that I am still "in charge" so to speak, and if necessary will put my foot down. But for us, it's all about choosing the battles and trying to come up with a solution that works for everyone involved.
More Topical:
Is is just not spanking? and not yelling? Or is there more to it? Please, tell me all about it! :)
I am due with my first, but have taught preschool for several years and have developed what I consider a "gentle" approach - like using redirection, offering options, offering clear rules and consequences, 1-2-3 warning timeouts (paired with redirections) and talking/explaining (it amazes me how many people don't bother to talk to children!).
I have found that providing a routine, clear rules, being consistent on enforcing those rules as well as with consequences, offering options and using redirection, and just talking to the kids makes such a dramatic difference in behavior. I was told before starting that several of my boys were "unmanagable, and needed medication." While they were rebellious, they just needed a routine, someone to believe in them, and Love! Within a few weeks those boys were some of my biggest "helpers."
I am wondering these methods are what you mean by "gentle discipline." and I am really interested in learning more about it!!!
^_^:
You might want to check out the book list and read some of the books mentioned.
I think most of what you are describing would be considered gentle discipline. There is a big debate among people in this forum about time outs of any kind. I think there is ample evidence that time outs do not teach good behavior and at best stop bad behavior and have avoided using time outs with my children or other people's children in my care. There are people on the forum that are very defensive and emotional about their use of time outs.
^_^:
I think also that people get mixed up in semantics---some people are adamantly against Time outs, but will do what they call "time in's"....and unless this is explained to eachother they might be doing the same thing and not even know it yk?
It depends what you are calling a time out--if you are making a screaming, crying, upset child face a corner and as a condition of her "release" she has to say sorry---ala "supercrappy" then to me that is bs, completely ineffective, and completely degrading to the child...
but if your version of time out is--->I realize you are upset, but we don't hit other people, that hurts...so if you feel you are too angry to stop hitting, maybe you should cool down in your room for a few minutes until you feel a bit calmer and we can talk about it---(age appropriate variation)....then I find that perfectly acceptable...
Similarly the choices approach---we have 2 choices, but hitting is not one of them. We can talk about why you are angry and see what we can do to fix it, or you can choose to go to your room until you have cooled off and we can talk then---or similar---of course those aren't set in stone, but you get the drift...
Of course I would try redirection first, etc...but on the topic of time-outs, we first have to be clear on what everyone's definition of it is before we come to conclusions about what is effective etc....kwim?
^_^:
I can only answer this personally.....
To me, GD is about compassionate, respectful parenting. It is the opposite of adversarial parenting (parent in charge, children obey). Instead, parents teach by example (modelling behavior they would like child to learn), trust their children's good intentions (if acting "wrong", then something *is* wrong....emphasis on helping child handle the situation better, rather than punishing the behavior), and respect their children's ages and stages (avoid unrealistic expectations, putting children in situations that are inappropriate, etc).
On time out--personally, I feel that removing dd from certain situations falls under "helping child handle the situation better"--a break, sort of like a time out in sports. Time outs can also be quite punitive, imo, especially if it involves a time-out spot, and a certain number of minutes, and isolation (rather than accompanied by a caregiver to help the child calm down and regroup).
^_^:
What sunmama said! :thumb
We have ditched the punishment and consequences paradigm and opted for a more "team" approach that focuses on teaching and guiding.
Just as I taught my child about the stove, I teach him about behavior/manners/etc. So I told him that the stove is hot and let him get close enough to feel it's heat but not get hurt. If he somehow touched it and got a bad burn, I wouldn't punish him. I would comfort him and continue to teach him about the dangers of the stove. If it became clear that he couldn't control his impulses and kept getting burned, I would separate him from the stove--not as punishment, but for his safety.
Likewise, when he was going through a big hitting stage, I didn't punish him (and it was HARD for me to have faith that not punishing would really, truly work!). I told him hitting hurt, it was not an acceptable way to treat people, and showed him a bunch of alternatives (gentle touching, words to say, leaving, etc.).
When there were instances where he was not able to stop himself from lashing out at playdates, we left. Again, not as punishment, but for safety's sake (in this case, the other people's). And that worked--the hitting is over. (Now we talk about why the other kids are hitting *him* and I explain that they were very patient and good friends when Sam was hitting, so now it's his turn to be patient with them! :LOL And he gets it. Furthermore, he now tries really hard to help them problem solve).
I think I prefer the term "positive discipline" to "gentle discipline" b/c it more accurately describes teaching how to behave the "right" way, rather than just punishing the "wrong" behavior in a non-violent manner.
^_^:
To me GD is about parenting in the kindest, most repectful way possible.
Of course no spanking or yelling of any kind ... but it's more than that. It's about respecting my child's feelings and emotions and seeing him as a small person who deserves to have his feelings and opinions heard and respected.
That said, I do feel that I am still "in charge" so to speak, and if necessary will put my foot down. But for us, it's all about choosing the battles and trying to come up with a solution that works for everyone involved.
More Topical: