Quick suggestions for toddler hitting, etc???
Hi moms,
I'm wondering what works for you or has worked for you in terms of a gentle discipline and effective way to deal with a toddler who hits mom when mom's attention is elsewhere (on the phone) or when mom places limits on nursing.
My toddler seems to be in the hitting and constant whining stage. This is happening when (and perhaps because of) some other major stressors that are taking up time in our lives right now. I have read GD books, but I don't have a lot of time to read right now. So, I'm looking for any quick, practical GD approaches to this! Thanks so much!
^_^:
How GD do you want to go? I'm a bit more strict when someone starts getting into my personal boundaries. Look directly in his eye, say, "I won't let you hurt me" and if it persists leave the room.
^_^:
If you can, try to get out of the way - if her hit doesn't connect, it's disappointing and she realizes what she was doing ...sometimes it's just a reflex, but when the hit doesn''t hurt or touch you the motion of her arm may startle her and momentarily distract her - it's a good way to show her (without showing her!) that hitting hhurts, because she can tell in her movement that it is rough and startling.
^_^:
How GD do you want to go? I'm a bit more strict when someone starts getting into my personal boundaries. Look directly in his eye, say, "I won't let you hurt me" and if it persists leave the room. Thank you!
It's nice to have some agreement that it's hard to be GD when your child is getting physical i.e. hitting.
^_^:
If you can, try to get out of the way - if her hit doesn't connect, it's disappointing and she realizes what she was doing ...sometimes it's just a reflex, but when the hit doesn''t hurt or touch you the motion of her arm may startle her and momentarily distract her - it's a good way to show her (without showing her!) that hitting hhurts, because she can tell in her movement that it is rough and startling. Thank you! I will try this! :)
^_^:
I believe it IS gentle to restrain a small child who is hurting themselves, you, someone else, or something valuable. I think it is much more effective to anticipate the hitting (or head-butting in my case) and redirect or impede. I agree with PP that saying "I won't let you hurt me" or "I don't like that! Hitting hurts. Stop that." while physically blocking the blow (gently of course) is effective. Kids need to know appropriate boundaries. Having no limits is not the same as GD. I think it scares kids to feel like they can hurt their parents and not be stopped. Too much power is a frightening as too little power is frustrating. I think it's useful after stopping them to tell them something they CAN do with their hands. "If you feel like using your hands for hitting, hit this pillow instead."
^_^:
I'm strict about hitting, but I do it in a non-punitive way. I think it's important to express firm limits about hitting, and not sound wishy washy about it at all. I used to say "Do NOT hit me. I don't like to be hit." I also would hold his hands gently if I thought he wasn't going to stop on his own, or I'd move away. I'm sure my natural expression did a lot. I meant business.
Then I'd find another way for ds to express his impulse. He went through a phase of hitting me with a book when he wanted me to read to him. I eventually figured out that I had to be very very specific in telling him what to do instead. Telling him to "hand me the book instead" didn't do it. I had to say "If you want me to read to you, put the book in my hand."
Here an article- quick read, great advice, imo.
As far as whining, I just read this page
and have adopted this advice (some of the other advice doesn't sit well with me)
I believe it IS gentle to restrain a small child who is hurting themselves, you, someone else, or something valuable. I think it is much more effective to anticipate the hitting (or head-butting in my case) and redirect or impede. I agree with PP that saying "I won't let you hurt me" or "I don't like that! Hitting hurts. Stop that." while physically blocking the blow (gently of course) is effective. Kids need to know appropriate boundaries. Having no limits is not the same as GD. I think it scares kids to feel like they can hurt their parents and not be stopped. Too much power is a frightening as too little power is frustrating. I think it's useful after stopping them to tell them something they CAN do with their hands. "If you feel like using your hands for hitting, hit this pillow instead." Thank you! I agree!
^_^:
Having no limits is not the same as GD. Yes, thank you, I agree! I think it was in the Alfie Kohn book "Unconditional Parenting" that he says UP (and I extend it to GD) is not "permissive" parenting. I wholeheartedly agree!
^_^:
I'm strict about hitting, but I do it in a non-punitive way. I think it's important to express firm limits about hitting, and not sound wishy washy about it at all. I used to say "Do NOT hit me. I don't like to be hit." I also would hold his hands gently if I thought he wasn't going to stop on his own, or I'd move away. I'm sure my natural expression did a lot. I meant business.
Then I'd find another way for ds to express his impulse. He went through a phase of hitting me with a book when he wanted me to read to him. I eventually figured out that I had to be very very specific in telling him what to do instead. Telling him to "hand me the book instead" didn't do it. I had to say "If you want me to read to you, put the book in my hand."
Here an article- quick read, great advice, imo.
As far as whining, I just read this page
and have adopted this advice (some of the other advice doesn't sit well with me)
It is really helping. I think part of it is that it forces me to actually LOOK at and respond to ds, instead of just saying (yelling) something.
I told him that when I hear him whine, I'm going to use the hand signal, and that means that I hear that he has a need, and I'll respond as soon as he tells me in a regular voice.
That's a bit more conditional than I'd like (though my ds doesn't have trouble re-asking in a regular voice). But it's better than yelling at him to "Stop whining." Whining presses a button for me, so any calm way that I respond is a good thing.
I also found that having a script to use when he whines was helpful for me and for him. Thank you very, very much! Helpful!
^_^:
Telling him to "hand me the book instead" didn't do it. I had to say "If you want me to read to you, put the book in my hand."
Whining presses a button for me, so any calm way that I respond is a good thing.
I also found that having a script to use when he whines was helpful for me and for him. Thank you again, especially for these. :)
^_^:
I also found that having a script to use when he whines was helpful for me and for him. Thanks! What kind of script and what do you say?? :)
^_^:
I keep the focus on my needs so as not to put a negative focus on my ds' behavior if he crosses the line with hitting me. I definitely think a strong tone needs to be used with hitting me or dh because I think a child who feels like they can hit their parents means (to me) a child who thinks they can hit ANYONE.
So for whining I say, "I need to be talked to in a gentle voice. You can say'...'"
And for hitting I say, "I need to be safe. You may not hit me."
^_^:
I keep the focus on my needs so as not to put a negative focus on my ds' behavior if he crosses the line with hitting me. I definitely think a strong tone needs to be used with hitting me or dh because I think a child who feels like they can hit their parents means (to me) a child who thinks they can hit ANYONE.
So for whining I say, "I need to be talked to in a gentle voice. You can say'...'"
And for hitting I say, "I need to be safe. You may not hit me." These are good suggestions. Thanks!
^_^:
DD is very emotionally sensitive and verbal, so I always acknowledge her feeling while telling her the action was not a good choice -- in other words, the problem is that she hit me, and not simply that she was angry. I put an immediate stop to whatever fun thing we're doing, I sit with her on her level, and I say (seriously, but not too harshly), "I understand you were feeling angry, frustrated, upset, etc., and that's OK, but we do not hit people." Then we hug and move on. It seems to work pretty well -- she often now uses an emotion word, "I upset (or whatever)" or even announces that she wants to hit me, but then she doesn't actually hit.
^_^:
Thanks! What kind of script and what do you say?? :) What I say currently (along with the hand signal sometimes) is "I hear that you have a need. I need you to tell me in a regular voice." I use this most often, because I can say this without sounding compassionate when I'm not feeling it. I like it because it puts the need for a regular voice back on me.
I've explained to him what whining is- it took a while for him to "get it." We played some games where I ask him to say something in different voices- loud, whiny, soft, singing, etc. It helped him to understand the tone that I was talking about.
Another script that I've used, that I like is:
ds: whining for juice
me: "It sounds like you want some juice. Is that true?"
ds: (stops whining to answer yes- it's never happened another way)
me: "It's hard for me to listen to whining. Can you think of another way to tell me what you want?"
Then we go from there. He usually asks me to help him figure out a way, so I'll give him some ideas. If he's having a hard time asking without whining, I tell him that he can show me instead of telling me. Then he'll take my hand and point at what he wants.
Another thing that has been helpful, is to ask him what the solution is. So after I say "it sounds like you want x. Is that true?" I'd ask him what we should do to accomplish that. It seems to be helpful, in that it empowers him. Whining seems like it comes from a place of helplessness or something, so I figured that anything that gave him power to help meet his need, would be helpful for him.
I can't say if it's truly helpful in the long term, but it definitely stops the whining in the moment. It takes more patience than I generally have for whining, unfortunately. Now that I think of it though, I'm going to have to find a way to incorporate this again.
More Topical:
I'm wondering what works for you or has worked for you in terms of a gentle discipline and effective way to deal with a toddler who hits mom when mom's attention is elsewhere (on the phone) or when mom places limits on nursing.
My toddler seems to be in the hitting and constant whining stage. This is happening when (and perhaps because of) some other major stressors that are taking up time in our lives right now. I have read GD books, but I don't have a lot of time to read right now. So, I'm looking for any quick, practical GD approaches to this! Thanks so much!
^_^:
How GD do you want to go? I'm a bit more strict when someone starts getting into my personal boundaries. Look directly in his eye, say, "I won't let you hurt me" and if it persists leave the room.
^_^:
If you can, try to get out of the way - if her hit doesn't connect, it's disappointing and she realizes what she was doing ...sometimes it's just a reflex, but when the hit doesn''t hurt or touch you the motion of her arm may startle her and momentarily distract her - it's a good way to show her (without showing her!) that hitting hhurts, because she can tell in her movement that it is rough and startling.
^_^:
How GD do you want to go? I'm a bit more strict when someone starts getting into my personal boundaries. Look directly in his eye, say, "I won't let you hurt me" and if it persists leave the room. Thank you!
It's nice to have some agreement that it's hard to be GD when your child is getting physical i.e. hitting.
^_^:
If you can, try to get out of the way - if her hit doesn't connect, it's disappointing and she realizes what she was doing ...sometimes it's just a reflex, but when the hit doesn''t hurt or touch you the motion of her arm may startle her and momentarily distract her - it's a good way to show her (without showing her!) that hitting hhurts, because she can tell in her movement that it is rough and startling. Thank you! I will try this! :)
^_^:
I believe it IS gentle to restrain a small child who is hurting themselves, you, someone else, or something valuable. I think it is much more effective to anticipate the hitting (or head-butting in my case) and redirect or impede. I agree with PP that saying "I won't let you hurt me" or "I don't like that! Hitting hurts. Stop that." while physically blocking the blow (gently of course) is effective. Kids need to know appropriate boundaries. Having no limits is not the same as GD. I think it scares kids to feel like they can hurt their parents and not be stopped. Too much power is a frightening as too little power is frustrating. I think it's useful after stopping them to tell them something they CAN do with their hands. "If you feel like using your hands for hitting, hit this pillow instead."
^_^:
I'm strict about hitting, but I do it in a non-punitive way. I think it's important to express firm limits about hitting, and not sound wishy washy about it at all. I used to say "Do NOT hit me. I don't like to be hit." I also would hold his hands gently if I thought he wasn't going to stop on his own, or I'd move away. I'm sure my natural expression did a lot. I meant business.
Then I'd find another way for ds to express his impulse. He went through a phase of hitting me with a book when he wanted me to read to him. I eventually figured out that I had to be very very specific in telling him what to do instead. Telling him to "hand me the book instead" didn't do it. I had to say "If you want me to read to you, put the book in my hand."
Here an article- quick read, great advice, imo.
As far as whining, I just read this page
and have adopted this advice (some of the other advice doesn't sit well with me)
I believe it IS gentle to restrain a small child who is hurting themselves, you, someone else, or something valuable. I think it is much more effective to anticipate the hitting (or head-butting in my case) and redirect or impede. I agree with PP that saying "I won't let you hurt me" or "I don't like that! Hitting hurts. Stop that." while physically blocking the blow (gently of course) is effective. Kids need to know appropriate boundaries. Having no limits is not the same as GD. I think it scares kids to feel like they can hurt their parents and not be stopped. Too much power is a frightening as too little power is frustrating. I think it's useful after stopping them to tell them something they CAN do with their hands. "If you feel like using your hands for hitting, hit this pillow instead." Thank you! I agree!
^_^:
Having no limits is not the same as GD. Yes, thank you, I agree! I think it was in the Alfie Kohn book "Unconditional Parenting" that he says UP (and I extend it to GD) is not "permissive" parenting. I wholeheartedly agree!
^_^:
I'm strict about hitting, but I do it in a non-punitive way. I think it's important to express firm limits about hitting, and not sound wishy washy about it at all. I used to say "Do NOT hit me. I don't like to be hit." I also would hold his hands gently if I thought he wasn't going to stop on his own, or I'd move away. I'm sure my natural expression did a lot. I meant business.
Then I'd find another way for ds to express his impulse. He went through a phase of hitting me with a book when he wanted me to read to him. I eventually figured out that I had to be very very specific in telling him what to do instead. Telling him to "hand me the book instead" didn't do it. I had to say "If you want me to read to you, put the book in my hand."
Here an article- quick read, great advice, imo.
As far as whining, I just read this page
and have adopted this advice (some of the other advice doesn't sit well with me)
It is really helping. I think part of it is that it forces me to actually LOOK at and respond to ds, instead of just saying (yelling) something.
I told him that when I hear him whine, I'm going to use the hand signal, and that means that I hear that he has a need, and I'll respond as soon as he tells me in a regular voice.
That's a bit more conditional than I'd like (though my ds doesn't have trouble re-asking in a regular voice). But it's better than yelling at him to "Stop whining." Whining presses a button for me, so any calm way that I respond is a good thing.
I also found that having a script to use when he whines was helpful for me and for him. Thank you very, very much! Helpful!
^_^:
Telling him to "hand me the book instead" didn't do it. I had to say "If you want me to read to you, put the book in my hand."
Whining presses a button for me, so any calm way that I respond is a good thing.
I also found that having a script to use when he whines was helpful for me and for him. Thank you again, especially for these. :)
^_^:
I also found that having a script to use when he whines was helpful for me and for him. Thanks! What kind of script and what do you say?? :)
^_^:
I keep the focus on my needs so as not to put a negative focus on my ds' behavior if he crosses the line with hitting me. I definitely think a strong tone needs to be used with hitting me or dh because I think a child who feels like they can hit their parents means (to me) a child who thinks they can hit ANYONE.
So for whining I say, "I need to be talked to in a gentle voice. You can say'...'"
And for hitting I say, "I need to be safe. You may not hit me."
^_^:
I keep the focus on my needs so as not to put a negative focus on my ds' behavior if he crosses the line with hitting me. I definitely think a strong tone needs to be used with hitting me or dh because I think a child who feels like they can hit their parents means (to me) a child who thinks they can hit ANYONE.
So for whining I say, "I need to be talked to in a gentle voice. You can say'...'"
And for hitting I say, "I need to be safe. You may not hit me." These are good suggestions. Thanks!
^_^:
DD is very emotionally sensitive and verbal, so I always acknowledge her feeling while telling her the action was not a good choice -- in other words, the problem is that she hit me, and not simply that she was angry. I put an immediate stop to whatever fun thing we're doing, I sit with her on her level, and I say (seriously, but not too harshly), "I understand you were feeling angry, frustrated, upset, etc., and that's OK, but we do not hit people." Then we hug and move on. It seems to work pretty well -- she often now uses an emotion word, "I upset (or whatever)" or even announces that she wants to hit me, but then she doesn't actually hit.
^_^:
Thanks! What kind of script and what do you say?? :) What I say currently (along with the hand signal sometimes) is "I hear that you have a need. I need you to tell me in a regular voice." I use this most often, because I can say this without sounding compassionate when I'm not feeling it. I like it because it puts the need for a regular voice back on me.
I've explained to him what whining is- it took a while for him to "get it." We played some games where I ask him to say something in different voices- loud, whiny, soft, singing, etc. It helped him to understand the tone that I was talking about.
Another script that I've used, that I like is:
ds: whining for juice
me: "It sounds like you want some juice. Is that true?"
ds: (stops whining to answer yes- it's never happened another way)
me: "It's hard for me to listen to whining. Can you think of another way to tell me what you want?"
Then we go from there. He usually asks me to help him figure out a way, so I'll give him some ideas. If he's having a hard time asking without whining, I tell him that he can show me instead of telling me. Then he'll take my hand and point at what he wants.
Another thing that has been helpful, is to ask him what the solution is. So after I say "it sounds like you want x. Is that true?" I'd ask him what we should do to accomplish that. It seems to be helpful, in that it empowers him. Whining seems like it comes from a place of helplessness or something, so I figured that anything that gave him power to help meet his need, would be helpful for him.
I can't say if it's truly helpful in the long term, but it definitely stops the whining in the moment. It takes more patience than I generally have for whining, unfortunately. Now that I think of it though, I'm going to have to find a way to incorporate this again.
More Topical: