Transition help needed!
Dd is 3. Maybe that says it all. But I'm finding transitions are becoming increasingly difficult. It doesn't help that we've had a very stressful 2 weeks around our house (dh was hospitalized with mono and won't be up to his old self for another 3-4 weeks at least; we traveled for a week; 4th of July and a party meant that bedtime has been too late.)
But at every.single.transition. we are having pretty huge fights. Getting dressed. Getting pajamas on. Brushing teeth. Getting out the door (even if it's to a place she wants to go). Going potty. Washing hands after going. Sitting down for dinner. Or lunch. Getting into the car. Getting out of the car....
Here's what we already do:
-Give plenty of warning (5-3-1 minute)
-Use the timer when we're at home
-Tell her why we need to change activities, with a 'carrot' at the end ('we need to get your pjs on so we can have a snack and read stories')
-When I can muster the energy (which has been low lately because I'm doing 99% of the parenting and housework), I do Playful Parenting kinds of things ("I'm going to catch you!" "I bet you can't wash your hands before I get upstairs.")
It's not helping.
What else can we do??
^_^:
Have you tried giving your child choices while giving her limits? In other words, when it's time to brush teeth do you give her a choice of how to get to the bathroom, i.e., do you want to walk or do you want to fly?
My DD was an absolutely horrendous transitioner so I found that the best thing to do was to distract with choices and games. So this would be my scenario for toothbrushing:
First, I would give the 5-3-1 warning. Then I would say "DD, it's time to brush teeth. Are you going to walk to the bathroom or skip? Are you brushing the top teeth first or the bottom ones? Can you stand on one foot while I brush your teeth? Are you going to stand on the left or the right foot? Can you look into the mirror and make a really silly face? etc., etc."
I know it's exhausting and I sometimes look back on the mental gymnastics that I had to do and I'm amazed that I did it. But it was not really a choice if I wanted some peace in my home. I just had to make every transition fun, empowering and full of distraction.
It does eventually get better.
^_^:
i went through this SOOOOO bad when my dd was 3. it was completely awful (like to the point i felt like i was going to explode). i can tell you a couple of things that worked for us....maybe?? they will work for you too:o
as for dressing, i let my dd wear whatever she wants. i used to pick out 2 outfits and let her choose which one she wanted when she was smaller....but that still caused strife....so now i just let her pick out whatever crazy ensemble she feels like mustering up. if my child just doesn't "feel" like getting dressed or brushing her teeth....then i make it a race. i know some might not agree...but it worked for us. i would say, "ready, get set, GO!" then i'd start counting really loud (and slow) 1*2*3 while she raced in her room to get dressed ...or clean up toys...whatever. i would help her with tasks that needed me of course...still counting loud and slow as we hurried around the room. we would always finish up, and i'd tell her how fast she was and that no one could beat her world records. we still do that sometimes when i feel a power struggle coming on, and she loves it.
also, if i can tell she's about to start getting really sassy with me or is acting mad...i say, "don't you dare smile! whatever you do, don't you smile at me young lady. don't you do it.". i say it kinda serious but silly at the same time. it always makes her crack up. my son hates it though, ha ha, so i don't do that with him. anyway, hang in there mama!!!
^_^:
I think that I've done all of the above at some time or another with DD. I don't think that there is one magic pill, rather I think that it helps to have a REALLY BIG bag of tricks to draw from when your DC is making you work for every little thing. I always give myself a small pat on the back when I find something that works even though I know that it may not work for long. Just keep trying new things until you find what works (for a while at least), and know that the intensity of the power struggles don't last forever, or at least thet evolve into new ones over time.
^_^:
I agree with the pps, I'd just look for some workarounds until things settle down a little. Use hand sanitizer while she's going potty, then wipe for her and don't let her touch anything. Put her in clothes she can wear all day and night if necessary. Eat in the car, put shoes on when you get there, pick her up and carry while talking about her favorite things.
^_^:
Does she have favorite characters? As much as I hate to admit it, Buzz Lightyear has come in really handy lately. "Oh no, the evil emperor Zurg has sprayed space slime all over your teeth, Buzz! We have two minutes to remove it before..." and etc., adjusted for whatever situation.
And believe me, I have days where I'm so tired of having to come up with some scenario just to get in the carseat, but I've decided it's almost always easier than the alternative.
I will say, though, that things have gotten much better for the most part as DS gets closer to four.
-Erinb
^_^:
I will say, though, that things have gotten much better for the most part as DS gets closer to four.
-Erinb
oh yes! it does get better!! i should have said that too!! my dd will be 6 in october, and we get along fabulously. power struggles continually become less and less.
^_^:
I've been there for, oh, a year maybe. Sometimes, after I've tried every tactic in the book, dh holds ds while I put clothes on him and brush his teeth so we can leave the house. We often leave playdates with ds in tears, no matter how much warning, preparation, toy-borrowing, things to look forward to I provide.
I try to be as gentle and sympathetic to my ds's feelings as I can. I have not found any tactics that really work consistently, though I try every time. I think some kids just find this really hard. I know it will pass eventually.
^_^:
Sigh, thanks! I know she'll 'outgrow' it, it's just stressful now.
I will give her more choices - she likes to pretend she's a baby animal of various sorts, so I can give the option of hopping like a bunny or climbing like a monkey or whatever and that might get her moving.
The dressing thing is difficult because she wears a pull-up to bed and it HAS to come off in the AM or she gets a rash. But then once she's naked, she wants to stay naked. OK by me if we stay home. Not OK by me if we want to go somewhere. Her brother was in tears the other night because he wanted her to go to the park with him and she wasn't getting dressed.
She's kind of a Diego fan, so maybe I can work that in somehow...
Any other tricks to add to my bag? I think I'm going to need a very, very big bag with this one!
^_^:
SINGING!
If I can remember to use this one, it often helps a lot! If you can make up rhyming or extra silly songs on-the-spot, even better!
You'll probably feel a little silly yourself doing it, which in turn makes it harder to get frustrated about stuff.
----------
Be BOLD in Boston, Chicago, Denver, Houston, Maui, San Diego, Seattle and ...in September 2007!
See Karen Brody's play, BIRTH and share your birth story at a BOLD Red Tent Event!!!
^_^:
Now, I know the same techniques don't work on all kids, but sometimes if I just continue to get ready, DS will suddenly get into gear. I think b/c I'm refusing to engage in the power struggle? I'll just get DD ready, unlock the van, start bringing our water and snacks out, and voila, he's yelling, "wait, wait, I'm not ready!" (I never imply that I"m going to leave him at home or anything, though.)
Diego...hmmm... "Diego, I hear an animal that needs help! Do you hear that? Quick, let's get dressed so we can go to the park and figure out what animal it is. Where's your rescue pack? Do you have click ready?"
THe racing/counting thing works really well here, too. Would her older brother be willing to race getting dressed with her?
Good luck. I know it's so hard some days. You just want them to get in the car without it turning into a Broadway production!
-e
More Topical:
But at every.single.transition. we are having pretty huge fights. Getting dressed. Getting pajamas on. Brushing teeth. Getting out the door (even if it's to a place she wants to go). Going potty. Washing hands after going. Sitting down for dinner. Or lunch. Getting into the car. Getting out of the car....
Here's what we already do:
-Give plenty of warning (5-3-1 minute)
-Use the timer when we're at home
-Tell her why we need to change activities, with a 'carrot' at the end ('we need to get your pjs on so we can have a snack and read stories')
-When I can muster the energy (which has been low lately because I'm doing 99% of the parenting and housework), I do Playful Parenting kinds of things ("I'm going to catch you!" "I bet you can't wash your hands before I get upstairs.")
It's not helping.
What else can we do??
^_^:
Have you tried giving your child choices while giving her limits? In other words, when it's time to brush teeth do you give her a choice of how to get to the bathroom, i.e., do you want to walk or do you want to fly?
My DD was an absolutely horrendous transitioner so I found that the best thing to do was to distract with choices and games. So this would be my scenario for toothbrushing:
First, I would give the 5-3-1 warning. Then I would say "DD, it's time to brush teeth. Are you going to walk to the bathroom or skip? Are you brushing the top teeth first or the bottom ones? Can you stand on one foot while I brush your teeth? Are you going to stand on the left or the right foot? Can you look into the mirror and make a really silly face? etc., etc."
I know it's exhausting and I sometimes look back on the mental gymnastics that I had to do and I'm amazed that I did it. But it was not really a choice if I wanted some peace in my home. I just had to make every transition fun, empowering and full of distraction.
It does eventually get better.
^_^:
i went through this SOOOOO bad when my dd was 3. it was completely awful (like to the point i felt like i was going to explode). i can tell you a couple of things that worked for us....maybe?? they will work for you too:o
as for dressing, i let my dd wear whatever she wants. i used to pick out 2 outfits and let her choose which one she wanted when she was smaller....but that still caused strife....so now i just let her pick out whatever crazy ensemble she feels like mustering up. if my child just doesn't "feel" like getting dressed or brushing her teeth....then i make it a race. i know some might not agree...but it worked for us. i would say, "ready, get set, GO!" then i'd start counting really loud (and slow) 1*2*3 while she raced in her room to get dressed ...or clean up toys...whatever. i would help her with tasks that needed me of course...still counting loud and slow as we hurried around the room. we would always finish up, and i'd tell her how fast she was and that no one could beat her world records. we still do that sometimes when i feel a power struggle coming on, and she loves it.
also, if i can tell she's about to start getting really sassy with me or is acting mad...i say, "don't you dare smile! whatever you do, don't you smile at me young lady. don't you do it.". i say it kinda serious but silly at the same time. it always makes her crack up. my son hates it though, ha ha, so i don't do that with him. anyway, hang in there mama!!!
^_^:
I think that I've done all of the above at some time or another with DD. I don't think that there is one magic pill, rather I think that it helps to have a REALLY BIG bag of tricks to draw from when your DC is making you work for every little thing. I always give myself a small pat on the back when I find something that works even though I know that it may not work for long. Just keep trying new things until you find what works (for a while at least), and know that the intensity of the power struggles don't last forever, or at least thet evolve into new ones over time.
^_^:
I agree with the pps, I'd just look for some workarounds until things settle down a little. Use hand sanitizer while she's going potty, then wipe for her and don't let her touch anything. Put her in clothes she can wear all day and night if necessary. Eat in the car, put shoes on when you get there, pick her up and carry while talking about her favorite things.
^_^:
Does she have favorite characters? As much as I hate to admit it, Buzz Lightyear has come in really handy lately. "Oh no, the evil emperor Zurg has sprayed space slime all over your teeth, Buzz! We have two minutes to remove it before..." and etc., adjusted for whatever situation.
And believe me, I have days where I'm so tired of having to come up with some scenario just to get in the carseat, but I've decided it's almost always easier than the alternative.
I will say, though, that things have gotten much better for the most part as DS gets closer to four.
-Erinb
^_^:
I will say, though, that things have gotten much better for the most part as DS gets closer to four.
-Erinb
oh yes! it does get better!! i should have said that too!! my dd will be 6 in october, and we get along fabulously. power struggles continually become less and less.
^_^:
I've been there for, oh, a year maybe. Sometimes, after I've tried every tactic in the book, dh holds ds while I put clothes on him and brush his teeth so we can leave the house. We often leave playdates with ds in tears, no matter how much warning, preparation, toy-borrowing, things to look forward to I provide.
I try to be as gentle and sympathetic to my ds's feelings as I can. I have not found any tactics that really work consistently, though I try every time. I think some kids just find this really hard. I know it will pass eventually.
^_^:
Sigh, thanks! I know she'll 'outgrow' it, it's just stressful now.
I will give her more choices - she likes to pretend she's a baby animal of various sorts, so I can give the option of hopping like a bunny or climbing like a monkey or whatever and that might get her moving.
The dressing thing is difficult because she wears a pull-up to bed and it HAS to come off in the AM or she gets a rash. But then once she's naked, she wants to stay naked. OK by me if we stay home. Not OK by me if we want to go somewhere. Her brother was in tears the other night because he wanted her to go to the park with him and she wasn't getting dressed.
She's kind of a Diego fan, so maybe I can work that in somehow...
Any other tricks to add to my bag? I think I'm going to need a very, very big bag with this one!
^_^:
SINGING!
If I can remember to use this one, it often helps a lot! If you can make up rhyming or extra silly songs on-the-spot, even better!
You'll probably feel a little silly yourself doing it, which in turn makes it harder to get frustrated about stuff.
----------
Be BOLD in Boston, Chicago, Denver, Houston, Maui, San Diego, Seattle and ...in September 2007!
See Karen Brody's play, BIRTH and share your birth story at a BOLD Red Tent Event!!!
^_^:
Now, I know the same techniques don't work on all kids, but sometimes if I just continue to get ready, DS will suddenly get into gear. I think b/c I'm refusing to engage in the power struggle? I'll just get DD ready, unlock the van, start bringing our water and snacks out, and voila, he's yelling, "wait, wait, I'm not ready!" (I never imply that I"m going to leave him at home or anything, though.)
Diego...hmmm... "Diego, I hear an animal that needs help! Do you hear that? Quick, let's get dressed so we can go to the park and figure out what animal it is. Where's your rescue pack? Do you have click ready?"
THe racing/counting thing works really well here, too. Would her older brother be willing to race getting dressed with her?
Good luck. I know it's so hard some days. You just want them to get in the car without it turning into a Broadway production!
-e
More Topical: