My biggest discipline challange
the one I'm married too.
Here's a classic example of the difference in our mindsets:
Sunday after supper, 4 yo started out the back door. I said (lightly) "Where you heading, Dookle?"
Dookle "Out back"
Me "It's not out back time"
(at same time)
Me "Because it's rainy and dark"
DH "Becuase you don't have permission"
He thinks discipline= punishment and because I try to punish less I am not disciplining. Hello, ROOT WORDS ?
The poor kids are constantly confused because we can have a relatively calm, non punitive day and HE comes home and the kids that aren't in the corner are in their room.
This is more a vent b/c I have tried until my face was blue for years for him to even read a chapter out of any AP book with no success.
I am just at the end of my rope with this man.
^_^:
That rots. I'm sorry.
Would he be willing to watch a video...with a, "Honey, I just want you to see where I'm coming from..." kind of approach?
^_^:
It's not the idea of reading he's opposed to- it's the whole concept of GD.
^_^:
What are his reasons for opposing it?
Is your relationship with him super good except disagreeing about this? If it is, I'll bet you can influence his approach....
^_^:
I have the opposite problem - dh never has a problem with anything the kids do, and when he does he just whines or snaps at them. We are going to read "1-2-3 Magic" together and try that as a starting place to get a little consistency going here. There is a punative element there, but it is better than me handling everything on my own until I blow my fuse and better than dh walking in the door and adding to the caos. Could you start with a book like that as a compromise? It's simply written and lighthearted, practical...
^_^:
I have similar problems with DH but he does not do anything punitive. He stopped. The poor DH however thinks that punishments/rewards are the only way of getting a child to behave cooperatively so he does not even try to get them to do anything.... he just mentions to the girls how fantastic things would be if only they picked up the toys... and then to me... "if only I could say, pick these toys and then I will give you X ... or else I won't give you Y but since I cannot this is all useless"... mmmhhh ... then he looks at me as though I had the magic solution... I don't and then he concludes GD does not "work"... we've gone through that scenario already and it is no good... the thing is that I need to keep the family atmosphere cheerful and cooperative so we do not end up in that spot... if I manage that he will play with the girls and cook with them and be a great dad... at times though I just let things rot because I am dead tired and inevitably there is a lack of energy in the day and eventually the results are no good... in fact I have noticed that letting him know I am dead tired and retreating in my bedroom giving him full control also has (paradoxically) great results... he is actually a good dad and likes keeping the girls busy and happy and shhh "do not disturb mommy... " when we're both with the girls and I am not on top of things, then that's bad...
in the OP scenario, I think for the sake of sanity, you need to be speaking to the child at least one person at a time... I read it somewhere that if the other parent speaks - even to reinforce what the first just said - that is like admitting that the parent who spoke first needs support and backing and cheerleading which is not true. No need for fanfare, not back out, means not back out, period. Whoever said so. And even more so when you both agree that he is not going back there.
^_^:
We deal with this too. Only difference is, dh sees how well dd responds to my style of parenting and wants to adjust his own accordingly. So he's motivated to change.
But it's like teaching sight to a blind person, I tell ya. It's like a foreign language to him.
More Topical:
Here's a classic example of the difference in our mindsets:
Sunday after supper, 4 yo started out the back door. I said (lightly) "Where you heading, Dookle?"
Dookle "Out back"
Me "It's not out back time"
(at same time)
Me "Because it's rainy and dark"
DH "Becuase you don't have permission"
He thinks discipline= punishment and because I try to punish less I am not disciplining. Hello, ROOT WORDS ?
The poor kids are constantly confused because we can have a relatively calm, non punitive day and HE comes home and the kids that aren't in the corner are in their room.
This is more a vent b/c I have tried until my face was blue for years for him to even read a chapter out of any AP book with no success.
I am just at the end of my rope with this man.
^_^:
That rots. I'm sorry.
Would he be willing to watch a video...with a, "Honey, I just want you to see where I'm coming from..." kind of approach?
^_^:
It's not the idea of reading he's opposed to- it's the whole concept of GD.
^_^:
What are his reasons for opposing it?
Is your relationship with him super good except disagreeing about this? If it is, I'll bet you can influence his approach....
^_^:
I have the opposite problem - dh never has a problem with anything the kids do, and when he does he just whines or snaps at them. We are going to read "1-2-3 Magic" together and try that as a starting place to get a little consistency going here. There is a punative element there, but it is better than me handling everything on my own until I blow my fuse and better than dh walking in the door and adding to the caos. Could you start with a book like that as a compromise? It's simply written and lighthearted, practical...
^_^:
I have similar problems with DH but he does not do anything punitive. He stopped. The poor DH however thinks that punishments/rewards are the only way of getting a child to behave cooperatively so he does not even try to get them to do anything.... he just mentions to the girls how fantastic things would be if only they picked up the toys... and then to me... "if only I could say, pick these toys and then I will give you X ... or else I won't give you Y but since I cannot this is all useless"... mmmhhh ... then he looks at me as though I had the magic solution... I don't and then he concludes GD does not "work"... we've gone through that scenario already and it is no good... the thing is that I need to keep the family atmosphere cheerful and cooperative so we do not end up in that spot... if I manage that he will play with the girls and cook with them and be a great dad... at times though I just let things rot because I am dead tired and inevitably there is a lack of energy in the day and eventually the results are no good... in fact I have noticed that letting him know I am dead tired and retreating in my bedroom giving him full control also has (paradoxically) great results... he is actually a good dad and likes keeping the girls busy and happy and shhh "do not disturb mommy... " when we're both with the girls and I am not on top of things, then that's bad...
in the OP scenario, I think for the sake of sanity, you need to be speaking to the child at least one person at a time... I read it somewhere that if the other parent speaks - even to reinforce what the first just said - that is like admitting that the parent who spoke first needs support and backing and cheerleading which is not true. No need for fanfare, not back out, means not back out, period. Whoever said so. And even more so when you both agree that he is not going back there.
^_^:
We deal with this too. Only difference is, dh sees how well dd responds to my style of parenting and wants to adjust his own accordingly. So he's motivated to change.
But it's like teaching sight to a blind person, I tell ya. It's like a foreign language to him.
More Topical: