controlling his temper-- by hurting himself
This has been hearbreaking to watch. As of a week ago, ds (almost 3) was a hitter. We've been gently talking through tantrums, trying to defuse anger, finding other ways to get it out. My ways: hitting a pillow, stomping feet, saying the words, even yelling, were not enough for ds, I guess, because he found a new way: scratching his face.
He has scratches over his forehead and cheeks and nose now. If he gets frustrated, he starts scratching his face. I cut down his nails, but he is still managing to get scratched, especially by scratching over yesterday's scabs. It is so painful for me to see. Not to mention, I am afraid of him getting a skin infection or something. I feel stuck. I want to cry when he does it.
^_^:
maybe you should talk to a dr about this, it seems like a hard problem to stop if you've already trimmed his nails. as far as infection, put some antibacterial cream for cuts etc on them to help kill stuff, since alcohol will cause more problems ;)
i definatly think you should discuss this with a dr to investigate if there is a deeper cause.
^_^:
Oh I'm so sorry for you both, that sounds horrible - to do and to watch!
FWIW, I remember reading psych studies that doing other aggressive things does not help diffuse anger. For example, hitting a pillow does not diffuse anger by letting it out, rather feeds the anger. It was a long time ago that I read that, but it stuck with me as it sort of makes sense.
Maybe you could try to make as little deal out of the scratching as possible but try to redirect to other ways of calming down. Like taking a walk, getting a drink of water, reading a book, I dunno, something else that he likes to do.
:hugs to both of you - I hope this passes quickly for him, how awful!
~Tracy
^_^:
Thanks. I'm feeling so sad because I feel like I started this! I've been working on him to not hit when he gets frustrated, and so he found his own way to deal with it. I'm not really thinking doctor at this point. What could a ped. tell me? I don't think he has abnormal rage or anything, just normal toddler frustrations. I'm trying not to make a bid deal out of it, but it makes me almost ill to see my baby scratching himself. I do think that's interesting about hitting other things only increasing anger.
What else can a 3 yo do when they feel angry?
^_^:
:hug My DS is also almost 3. When he gets really angry or frustrated, he'll bend down and bang his head on the floor. Sometimes it's just for show, but sometimes he really whacks it. I HATE IT!
Usually, I can scoop him up and hold him and say, "Don't hurt my baby! That's my baby's head you're hitting." Then I can nurse him back to calmness.
Do you think it's a cry for attention?
^_^:
:hug Oh, that must be very hard to watch!!
Is there any type of precedent? Maybe if you really watch him closely and every time he looks like he might even be thinking of scratching, you could step in and redirect him without mentioning the scratching. Maybe something like taking a walk like a pp said, or try some deep breathing. Anything to keep him from scratching, then after awhile perhaps he will have forgotten about it or just plain grown out of it. Any way good luck, I hope you find something that helps.
^_^:
I do try to stop it before it happens, but it started happening because I was trying to redirect him from hitting me or someone else. I think its just his anger and it's going to go somewhere. What else do almost 3 yos do to calm themselves when they are frustrated? When they are mad and want to hit something?
^_^:
Tell me more about how you've worked on the alternatives with him. Did you just talk about it.
I'd try to have role playing practice sessions. Pick one thing and practice it. Cue it to a specific word "pillow" "stomp" or something like that. Then in the moment say the word and then gush when he follows through.
Many people do need a physical outlet for their upset.
The other thing I'd do is look a little at any possibility for lowering his overall frustration level. What are the things that are commonly triggering upset and could you change anything in the environment?
^_^:
Jennifer, how is it going? I woudn't feel guilty - I don't think you caused it in any way. FWIW I don't think it is that uncommon. My dd scratched her own face several times when she was teething - only 5 months old! She would just rake her hands over her face! I've heard of other kids head banging as well.
Even as an adult, a couple of times in my life, I got so upset I hit myself in the head really hard. It was scary - just came out of nowhere. Anger is really hard to deal with.
~Tracy
^_^:
I've recently had success with redirecting my dd rage. She walks or runs up and down the street. Then I scoop her up in a big hug. This has been a life saver for us.
As far as your ds the first thing that came to mind was painting or clay. let wants to do somehting with his hands he want to feel the rage come out. Next time give him a crayon or paint brush and a huge piece of paper.
I know it is hard. hugs: to you
^_^:
My DS is 5 and has a hard time with anger as well. He doesn't do anything to himself but he has started kicking and throwing things.Never at people or pets. But I will say the more he punchs a pillow or kicks at the couch, the more angry he becomes.I was thinking about having a special pillow that he can punch, but not if it will make it worse. We have been getting him to talk about why he is angry and that is helping some. I would also be interested in hearing other suggestions of ways to help kids deal with anger.
^_^:
it's a really hard situation...
my eldest son did something like that.he would bang his head off the wall until i gave into his demands....it was dreadful!!!!
but i am happy to report he grew out of it....he is now 14.5 yr old and doing good.
i would clean the scratches with some polysporin and not make too much of a fuss out of it....i'm sure he knows that it bothers you.he should stop when it proves ineffective.
chin up!:wink
^_^:
I think not making a big deal out of it is wise . . . but I think at the same time you can say to him "be gentle with Evan's face" or "have gentle hands" or something of the like. We did that with our now 4 yo who used to hit himself in the head with his hand when he was upset. We didn't make a big deal, but reminded him that he needed to be gentle with his own body as well other's.
As for things that he can do . . . I like the idea of having him run around as a pp suggested. Or perhaps when he's about to start scratching or has just started, do you think it would be possible to gently take his hand and say "Hey, let's go for a walk. You look like you're mad/frustrated, so let's walk it off." And either walk around the house or outside, maybe sing him a favorite song if he's open to that. Do you think you can get him to take some deep breaths when he's angry? Sometimes just breathing can make someone feel better. You can tell him "I know you're angry/frustrated, and that's okay. Can you take a big breath with me to see if that helps you feel better?"
Hugs, mama. Sounds really stressful and frustrating for you. HTH
^_^:
self harming behavior can be very serious if he's just trying to get attention thats one thing but if it becomes his reaction to stress well I'd say bring it up to your doctor and ask for help with the behviors. Self harmers like headbangers may stop as young kids but they can also go on to be cutters etc later on in life.
More Topical:
He has scratches over his forehead and cheeks and nose now. If he gets frustrated, he starts scratching his face. I cut down his nails, but he is still managing to get scratched, especially by scratching over yesterday's scabs. It is so painful for me to see. Not to mention, I am afraid of him getting a skin infection or something. I feel stuck. I want to cry when he does it.
^_^:
maybe you should talk to a dr about this, it seems like a hard problem to stop if you've already trimmed his nails. as far as infection, put some antibacterial cream for cuts etc on them to help kill stuff, since alcohol will cause more problems ;)
i definatly think you should discuss this with a dr to investigate if there is a deeper cause.
^_^:
Oh I'm so sorry for you both, that sounds horrible - to do and to watch!
FWIW, I remember reading psych studies that doing other aggressive things does not help diffuse anger. For example, hitting a pillow does not diffuse anger by letting it out, rather feeds the anger. It was a long time ago that I read that, but it stuck with me as it sort of makes sense.
Maybe you could try to make as little deal out of the scratching as possible but try to redirect to other ways of calming down. Like taking a walk, getting a drink of water, reading a book, I dunno, something else that he likes to do.
:hugs to both of you - I hope this passes quickly for him, how awful!
~Tracy
^_^:
Thanks. I'm feeling so sad because I feel like I started this! I've been working on him to not hit when he gets frustrated, and so he found his own way to deal with it. I'm not really thinking doctor at this point. What could a ped. tell me? I don't think he has abnormal rage or anything, just normal toddler frustrations. I'm trying not to make a bid deal out of it, but it makes me almost ill to see my baby scratching himself. I do think that's interesting about hitting other things only increasing anger.
What else can a 3 yo do when they feel angry?
^_^:
:hug My DS is also almost 3. When he gets really angry or frustrated, he'll bend down and bang his head on the floor. Sometimes it's just for show, but sometimes he really whacks it. I HATE IT!
Usually, I can scoop him up and hold him and say, "Don't hurt my baby! That's my baby's head you're hitting." Then I can nurse him back to calmness.
Do you think it's a cry for attention?
^_^:
:hug Oh, that must be very hard to watch!!
Is there any type of precedent? Maybe if you really watch him closely and every time he looks like he might even be thinking of scratching, you could step in and redirect him without mentioning the scratching. Maybe something like taking a walk like a pp said, or try some deep breathing. Anything to keep him from scratching, then after awhile perhaps he will have forgotten about it or just plain grown out of it. Any way good luck, I hope you find something that helps.
^_^:
I do try to stop it before it happens, but it started happening because I was trying to redirect him from hitting me or someone else. I think its just his anger and it's going to go somewhere. What else do almost 3 yos do to calm themselves when they are frustrated? When they are mad and want to hit something?
^_^:
Tell me more about how you've worked on the alternatives with him. Did you just talk about it.
I'd try to have role playing practice sessions. Pick one thing and practice it. Cue it to a specific word "pillow" "stomp" or something like that. Then in the moment say the word and then gush when he follows through.
Many people do need a physical outlet for their upset.
The other thing I'd do is look a little at any possibility for lowering his overall frustration level. What are the things that are commonly triggering upset and could you change anything in the environment?
^_^:
Jennifer, how is it going? I woudn't feel guilty - I don't think you caused it in any way. FWIW I don't think it is that uncommon. My dd scratched her own face several times when she was teething - only 5 months old! She would just rake her hands over her face! I've heard of other kids head banging as well.
Even as an adult, a couple of times in my life, I got so upset I hit myself in the head really hard. It was scary - just came out of nowhere. Anger is really hard to deal with.
~Tracy
^_^:
I've recently had success with redirecting my dd rage. She walks or runs up and down the street. Then I scoop her up in a big hug. This has been a life saver for us.
As far as your ds the first thing that came to mind was painting or clay. let wants to do somehting with his hands he want to feel the rage come out. Next time give him a crayon or paint brush and a huge piece of paper.
I know it is hard. hugs: to you
^_^:
My DS is 5 and has a hard time with anger as well. He doesn't do anything to himself but he has started kicking and throwing things.Never at people or pets. But I will say the more he punchs a pillow or kicks at the couch, the more angry he becomes.I was thinking about having a special pillow that he can punch, but not if it will make it worse. We have been getting him to talk about why he is angry and that is helping some. I would also be interested in hearing other suggestions of ways to help kids deal with anger.
^_^:
it's a really hard situation...
my eldest son did something like that.he would bang his head off the wall until i gave into his demands....it was dreadful!!!!
but i am happy to report he grew out of it....he is now 14.5 yr old and doing good.
i would clean the scratches with some polysporin and not make too much of a fuss out of it....i'm sure he knows that it bothers you.he should stop when it proves ineffective.
chin up!:wink
^_^:
I think not making a big deal out of it is wise . . . but I think at the same time you can say to him "be gentle with Evan's face" or "have gentle hands" or something of the like. We did that with our now 4 yo who used to hit himself in the head with his hand when he was upset. We didn't make a big deal, but reminded him that he needed to be gentle with his own body as well other's.
As for things that he can do . . . I like the idea of having him run around as a pp suggested. Or perhaps when he's about to start scratching or has just started, do you think it would be possible to gently take his hand and say "Hey, let's go for a walk. You look like you're mad/frustrated, so let's walk it off." And either walk around the house or outside, maybe sing him a favorite song if he's open to that. Do you think you can get him to take some deep breaths when he's angry? Sometimes just breathing can make someone feel better. You can tell him "I know you're angry/frustrated, and that's okay. Can you take a big breath with me to see if that helps you feel better?"
Hugs, mama. Sounds really stressful and frustrating for you. HTH
^_^:
self harming behavior can be very serious if he's just trying to get attention thats one thing but if it becomes his reaction to stress well I'd say bring it up to your doctor and ask for help with the behviors. Self harmers like headbangers may stop as young kids but they can also go on to be cutters etc later on in life.
More Topical: